It seems we just can’t get enough of camouflage these days—whether it’s heritage labels digging up archival patterns or technocrats devising new algorithms to make soldiers even more invisible. But central to the idea of camo is blending into your natural surroundings (whether it be woodland, desert or SoHo) and effectively hiding from something or someone. So we’ve decided to take stock of the camo patterns that have arrived on the scene in the past year—from spiraling giraffes to Vietnam-era stripes—and give our best interpretation of the perceived disguising agent of each.

What you appear to be hiding from, according to your camo shirt, vest and/or shoehorn…

I’m hiding from the angry mob of sock-eschewing Tumblrati hell-bent on tracking down my ankles and baring them:

I’m hiding from the V.C.

I’m hiding from Mario Batali.

I’m hiding from the most elusive game of all, the silverback Hypebeast. (And yes, I am hunting with my Supreme x Beams+ crossbow.)

I’m hiding from my responsibilities as a productive part of society because I spend all my time on menswear blogs.

I’m hiding from my WASP-y inclinations. Which is proving to be impossible.

I’m hiding my feet from everyone else in this strip club in Las Vegas right now.

I’m hiding my shoehorn from people who don’t understand why I haven’t yet accepted the gospel of leaving my monk straps unbuckled.

I’m hiding from rabid menswear bloggers bloodthirsty for anything military-, safari- or bucket-hat-related. (And God help me, I’m wearing all three at once.)

—N.B.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • Najib Benouar