It’s Monday morning, and once again you’ve spent an entire weekend worrying about Rick Ross, the gentleman hacker who liberated Scarlett Johansson’s nude photos and the apocalypse. Luckily, we’ve got a few updates for you.

BIG MEECH FALLS: Everyone’s favorite ursine rapper, Rick Ross, had two seizures on two different planes on Friday. Don’t worry; he’s fine. He reassured fans (okay, us) later that day on Twitter: “Never dat homie.” Until he recovers, we assume he’ll only be hustling on some days.

THIS WEEK’S FOLK HERO: The brave soul who retrieved Scarlett Johannson’s nude photos was nabbed last week on 26 counts of identity theft, unauthorized access to a computer and wiretapping last week, as part of the FBI’s inexplicably named “Operation Hackerazzi.” He’s facing 121 years in the hoosegow, which seems ungrateful to say the least.

THE FORGOTTEN ARM: Anyone watching the Bernard Hopkins fight this Saturday might have noticed an unusual undercard featuring Dewey Bozella, a 52-year-old man in his first and (he promises) last professional fight. He left prison two years ago, after 26 years inside, and he made it into the ring thanks to a sustained publicity campaign from the likes of ESPN. Oh, and he won.

On Saturday, Occupy Wall Street demonstrations took hold in Washington DC, Chicago, Los Angeles, Madrid, London, Rome, Frankfurt, Sydney, Tokyo, Hong Kong and New York’s Times Square, where the NYPD arrested 92 people and locked this nice woman inside a Chase bank. In great news for your hipster uncle, Kim Gordon is about to be single again, and Harold Camping, the radio preacher who previously announced May 21 as the date for the apocalypse, revised his estimate to predict that Judgment Day will arrive this Friday, October 21.

So make it count.

—R.B.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • Russell Brandom