Kanye West turns 35 today, which, if our math is correct, makes him two years smarter and cooler than Jesus Christ. (Case in point: JC’s sandals never sold for $90,000 on eBay.) Yeezy’s ability to break down the complexity of life into revelatory rhymes and 140-character musings is undeniably Christ-like. Or at least Bueller-like: “If you have the opportunity to play this game of life, you need to appreciate every moment. A lot of people don’t appreciate the moment until it’s passed.”

Sure, Ferris said it better. And quicker. And, well, first. But he didn’t say, “Never do coke with an intern … they may not be 21.” Which, we suppose, is as close to a point as we’re going to come to on a Friday afternoon. To that end, we leave you this week with:

The Gospel According to Kanye…

Fashion breaks my heart.

You can’t look at a glass half full or empty if it’s overflowing

You can basically say anything to someone on an email or text as long as you put LOL at the end

Why Halloween bring out girls inner hoe…I was sposed to type freak but I just typed what I really meant instead. LOL

There is no astronaut training for celebrity… even though this whole life is so outer space!

The way Kathie Lee needed Regis, that’s the way I need Jesus.

Sometimes I get emotional over fonts

People always say that you can’t please everybody. I think that’s a cop-out. Why not attempt it? ’Cause think of all the people you will please if you try.

NO ALCOHOL BEFORE TATTOOS

My favorite unit of measurement is ‘a shit load’

How much is a shit load exactly? I’m assuming it’s more than a piss load.

Man… whatever happened to my antique fish tank?

I make awesome decisions in bike stores!!!

I don’t know what’s better, gettin’ laid or gettin’ paid.

George Bush doesn’t care about black people.

Fur pillows are hard to actually sleep on

French fries are the Devil

Classical music is tight yo

Black people can be the most conservative, the most discriminating. Especially among ourselves. It wasn’t white people who said all black men have to wear baggy jeans.

But I’m doing pretty good as far as geniuses go, and I’m doing pretty hood in my pink polo.

May all your glasses overflow with fur pillows this weekend.

—C.B.S.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • C. Brian Smith