George Brett

Occasionally in our quest to become better men we are graced with cautionary tales from older, wiser mentors.

One such occurrence took place in the moments leading up to a 2005 Kansas City Royals’ spring training game, when Hall of Fame third baseman George Brett imparted upon Ross Boudreaux and Scott Walter, two rookie catchers attempting to make the team, a harrowing tale of steady composure in the face of unthinkable adversity.

Boudreaux and Walter were never called up to the big show (perhaps due to their tendency to lose focus during pre-game stretching routines). But we’re quite certain that, thanks to George Brett, they are that much closer to enlightened fulfillment.

There’s a good chance you’ve seen this video – it was an instant classic when leaked in 2009. But now, for the first time, Kempt leaks the companion shooting script…

George Brett

“JEANS, BLACK BUCKS, NO SOCKS”

EXT. SURPRISE STADIUM – MARCH, 2005

Various members of the Kansas City Royals are stretching in preparation for a spring training game.

TRAINER (O.S.)
…right side!

George Brett, who retired two years earlier, is on hand as a spring training hitting coach. While his playing days are over, he still likes to stay loose, and bends into a deep stretch.

As he stands upright, he farts. He then turns to rookie catcher Ross Boudreaux (#78), stretching beside him.

[KEMPT NOTE: We are almost certain #78 is Texarkana Junior College star catcher Ross Boudreaux. Attempts to reach Boudreaux failed. Ditto for everyone else in this script.]

GEORGE BRETT
Pardon me.

TRAINER (O.S.)
…left side!

GEORGE BRETT
I shit my pants last night.

BOUDREAUX
(nervous laughter) Oh.

GEORGE BRETT
I did. I went out and had a great meal, just a great fucking meal, and I had to go to the bathroom so fucking bad in the car and I’m going “Travel, hurry up man I gotta shit.”

TRAINER (O.S.)
…other side.

Boudreaux bends to stretch the other side as Brett stands and addresses him.

GEORGE BRETT
[INAUDIBLE] …I come out, and I had fucking shit in my pants.

BOUDREAUX
(nervous laughter) Oh.

Manager TONY PENA (#6) crosses into frame chewing gum. He blows a large bubble which pops.

George Brett

GEORGE BRETT
I’m good about twice a year for that. (pause, then) When’s the last time you shit your pants?

BOUDREAUX
Me?

GEORGE BRETT
Yeah.

BOUDREAUX
Um…

GEORGE BRETT
Been a while?

BOUDREAUX
It’s been a long time.

GEORGE BRETT
(without pause) I was in Vegas a couple years ago. This is the honest-to-God true story. I’m staying at the Bellagio. I went over to the Mirage for dinner and met some friends of mine over there…

He spits.

TRAINER (O.S.)
…left one down!

Boudreaux shifts into a squat position.

GEORGE BRETT
…we went to Kokomos, a great little steakhouse. The guy brings out some fresh crab legs. He says (waving arms) “These just came in! I gotta give ‘em to you guys!” He brings them and I’m eatin’ them. Then we go play and gamble a little bit…

Kokomo

COACH (O.S)
Hey, listen up! [INAUDIBLE]

Boudreaux is torn. He should definitely be listening to what the coach is about to say.

GEORGE BRETT
…I had a tee time early in the morning, so I said “Look, I gotta get going.” I’m walking back to the hotel, I get three quarters of the way out of the lobby and all of a sudden I go, “Oh, fuck.”

Brett stands completely still.

GEORGE BRETT
(making fist) And I’m standing here like this. I got my butt pinched so fucking– I’m, I’m fucked. I can’t move.

Brett begins to address also address rookie catcher SCOTT WALTER (#77), stretching beside him.

[KEMPT NOTE: We are almost certain #77 is the Royals 2000 3rd round draft pick and Manhattan Beach, California native Scott Walter.]

GEORGE BRETT
…All of a sudden, I felt all right. So I went just like this…

Brett takes one step forward and runs his hand down the back of his leg.

GEORGE BRETT
(explosion sound)
Water.

WALTER
No way.

GEORGE BRETT
(Nods) I had food poisoning, from the crabs.

TRAINER (O.S.)
…Other side, other side!

Neither rookie moves.

GEORGE BRETT
I take off my leather jacket, tie it around my waist. (Gestures) And I’m just standing there and it’s just running down my leg.

Walter laughs and looks at the ground.

GEORGE BRETT
I got jeans on. Black bucks. No socks. And I just start fucking walking…

Brett takes two steps in slow motion.

GEORGE BRETT
…and every time I’m walking, something’s coming out. It’s water. Straight fucking water.

TRAINER (O.S.)
Stand up, take your right quad and pull it back!

Boudreaux and Walker stand up and do so.

GEORGE BRETT
Then, to tell you how sick I was… (looks around, then, quieter) To tell you how sick I was, I’m standing outside on my cell phone and call the guy [INAUDIBLE] and I say “Larry, you won’t believe this, I’m standing outside the fucking Bellagio and I can’t move.

The camera slowly zooms in on a two-shot of Brett and Boudreaux.

GEORGE BRETT
…I’ve got shit everywhere. I’ve got shit all over myself.” And Larry’s about a forty-eight waist. So he brings me over a pair of pants. And some towels, and some towels. And so he comes over and he meets me where I’m– I tell him where I’m standing. He finds the closest bathroom up the escalator— (gestures) I can’t get in the elevator, it’s twelve o’clock at night!

TRAINER (O.S.)
Alright, stretch your arm out. Stay loose!

Both rookies smile nervously at Brett and begin to walk away to get ready for the game.

GEORGE BRETT
(stopping them) So, so—

Boudreaux and Walker stop and reluctantly continue listening. They’re nervous. Opening Day is one week from tomorrow and there’s only room for one catcher.

GEORGE BRETT
…He goes in and finds the closest bathroom in the lobby of the hotel. And then I get on the escalator, and he kind of pretends like he drops something, so no one gets behind me. He tells me where it is, I go in there and he goes and gets a towel all wet for me…

Bellagio

The rest of the team is now going about their final preparations. O.S., Casey Dilpher, American Idol qualifier and local hero, is led out onto the field. Safe to say it’s a big day for Casey, too.

Boudreaux and Walker start to walk away again.

GEORGE BRETT
(stopping them) …throws it over the fucking stall. I take off all my fucking clothes, wipe off…

Manager Tony Pena crosses in and out of frame. Boudreaux detects the slightest nod in Walter’s direction, as if to say “You’re my guy. I’m cutting Boudreaux .” Walter picks up on this as well.

GEORGE BRETT
…leave my shoes — left my shoes, my pants, everything. Right there. The towels, right there in the stall. And I’m walking barefoot with my shirt and his pants that are a forty-eight waist through the lobby like this at midnight.

Brett mimics walking, holding pants up.

Boudreaux and Walker are gone.

GEORGE BRETT
(calling after them) …Got up in the morning. Took the most perfect double-tapered shit I’ve ever had in my life. (then, to no one in particular) True story.

Brett turns and walks the other way. He takes in the scene. Spots Bench Coach Bob Schaefer.

GEORGE BRETT
(to Bob) Who’s the pitchers in this game?

This video was shot by Kansas City cable channel Metro Sports and leaked by an unnamed employee.

—C.B.S.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • C. Brian Smith