If Vineyard Vines, Bonobos and the 1984 Celtics had a love child, he would likely be a better-than-average squash player, a devoted Jackopierce fan, and come July in Edgartown, he’d wear a whole lot of Chubbies shorts. So you can imagine our hesitation when our very own Chubbies arrived—a greenish gingham selection from the Pony Collection. Also included in the order was a complimentary koozie—Mount Gay and tonic sold separately, evidently.

A couple undeniable facts about Chubbies: they’re on the cusp of being too short (perfect for Bird, iffy for Magic), they’re on the cusp of being too bold (particularly the hot pink “Hoffs”), their name is synonymous with a partial erection, and they’re among the most comfortable beer-pong shorts we’ve ever worn: perfect pockets, sure-fly zippers and an elastic, draw-stringed waistline that screams, “You earned that extra lobster roll, old boy!”

That said, time and place is everything, which is why we’re rolling out an entirely new format today on Kempt—a third base coach for bright, short shorts, of sorts.

And trust us, you’re not going to want to blow through these stop signs…

Won’t you stay on the Vineyard for the summer?

—C.B.S.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • C. Brian Smith