We’ve filed the appropriate paperwork and submitted the requisite $89.50: from now on, May 10 will also be known as No More Bullshit Holidays Day. As you may have gathered from our recent posts on No Socks Day and National High Five Day, we’re done with meaningless celebrations of nothing at all.

Call us killjoys for Scrooging tomorrow’s Eat What You Want Day, dubbed “the one single, solitary day in the year to go off your diet and eat something you really enjoy,” but seeing as International No Diet Day was on May 6, out of consideration for the 72 million Americans suffering from clinical obesity (and out of respect for the words “single” and “solitary”), we’re going to pass on Eat What You Want Day and try to eat what we should. (Incidentally, May has been designated National Hamburger Month, National Barbecue Month and National Blood Pressure Awareness Month, while May 4, 5, 15 and 31 are National Candied Orange Peel Day, National Hoagie Day, National Chocolate Chip Day and National Macaroon Day, respectively.

We blame the e-card industry (500 million sent last year) and the greeting card companies (7 billion purchased last year) for the unrelenting infestation of ridiculous observances upon the calendar, but also brands like Chick-fil-A, founders of Cow Appreciation Day. On July 13, anyone who shows up dressed like a cow receives a free Chick-fil-A entrée—450,000 Americans did so last year.

We’re not holiday haters, we’re holiday purists. That we ask V-E Day to share May 8 with No Socks Day puts into question our respect for the Greatest Generation; that No News Is Good News Day falls on September 11 this year puts into question a whole lot more.

Wishing you and yours a very happy No More Bullshit Holidays Day…

—C.B.S.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • C. Brian Smith