King of the Hill, Top of the Heap
There were a lot of bizarre spectacles this weekend, but they all fell into three basic categories:
Good Weekend: Eli Manning, Chevy, Mitt Romney
Bad Weekend: Ferris Bueller, Massholes, Bill Belichick’s sweatshirt
Weird Weekend: Tightrope dancer bouncing on testicles in Madonna’s halftime show
Here’s a little more detail on each one:
GIANTS DEFEAT PATRIOTS IN THE SUPER BOWL, AGAIN
Eli Manning completed a game-changing pass to Mario Manningham in a Super Bowl wrought with redundancy last night. Tom Brady and Bob Craft likely won’t be able to watch highlights from this one, either, as the Giants defeated the New England Patriots in the final moments of yet another Super Bowl, 21-17. Reports that a weepy Bill Belichick set ablaze his “lucky cutoff sweatshirt” after the game could not be immediately verified.
NEWT LOSES TO MITT, AGAIN
Mitt Romney was so fucking money in Vegas over the weekend, defeating Newt Gingrich by nearly 30 points. The Washington Post reports that aides say Gingrich will now paint Romney as “the candidate of the PGA golf tour” in an attempt to woo NASCAR fans throughout the South.
MAN EMASCULATED BY MADONNA, AGAIN
A toga-clad tightrope dancer maniacally scowled at the camera while bouncing up and down on his testicles for a good 20 seconds during what was otherwise a commendable performance by an overdressed, 53-year-old Madonna. Slate informs us that the dancer was, in fact, “slacklining,” but was not, in fact, Will Ferrell’s stunt double.
500 CRUISE SHIP PASSENGERS REALIZE THAT CRUISE SHIPS SUCK
Just when we thought Florida couldn’t get any less pleasant, 500 cases of norovirus were reported on two Fort Lauderdale-based Princess Cruises ships over the weekend. According to spokeswoman Julie Benson, Princess “is working in close cooperation with the CDC to identify the cause.” We’re guessing it has something to do with jamming 3,000 humans into a floating barf bag for eight days at a time.
Next time take Eli’s advice: go to Disney World.
- — C. Brian Smith