And a happy No Socks Day© to you, too. According to Thomas and Ruth Roy, creators of the holiday, “If we give up wearing socks for one day, it will mean a little less laundry, thereby contributing to the betterment of the environment. Besides, we will all feel a bit freer, at least for one day.”

We have questions, Tom and Ruth…

If the aim of No Sock Day© is to cut down on laundry emissions, why choose the smallest (and smelliest) article of clothing to not wash? If freedom is the primary goal, wouldn’t No Underwear Day be more liberating? Of course it would. The problem, we’ve discovered, is that No Underwear Day© already exists on September 9.

Which leads us back to our central, Seinfeld-ian question: What’s the deal with all of these bullshit holidays?

To assist you in properly recognizing and complying with this week’s 27 holidays, we’ve listed them above for reference. Note, first, that in addition to not wearing socks today, you’re also asked to celebrate Iris Day by planting the late bloomer in your garden and bathing with the flower’s leaves in order to ward off evil spirits. Once said spirits are sufficiently warded, to avoid being dubbed a heartless prick, you’re going to want to send the Red Cross a check in recognition of World Red Cross Day and, if you have kids (or if you’ve benefited from a day of schooling), deliver some baked goods to one or more teachers, since May 8 is also National Teacher Day.

Time permitting, take a moment to acknowledge Victory in Europe Day (V-E Day). While it’s the oldest (and yawniest) of the May 8 holidays, it’s just as important in that it commemorates the date when World War II Allies formally accepted the unconditional surrender of the armed forces of Nazi Germany, marking the end of Adolf Hitler’s Third Reich and the freeing of millions of enslaved Jews, Gypsies and homosexuals.

Something to mull over during your iris bath, perhaps.

—C.B.S.

Our two-part series on bullshit holidays continues tomorrow as we walk you through the remarkably impediment-free process of creating (and copywriting!) your very own day irrelevant recognition.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • C. Brian Smith