The May issues are in and we’ve got a mixed bag on our hands.

May can be a tricky style month to predict. It puts us in the late-spring-but-it-might-already-feel-like-summer zone of weather, so it’s hard to know whether we’re going to want to see umbrellas or madrases. (GQ hedged with umbrellas). It’s safe to assume most of this stuff went to print while April showers were still raging (and Derrick Rose was still playoffs-bound), meaning everyone’s predictions were a little off. So, in the name of menswear journalism, we trod through the mid-weight blazers, the white canvas shoes (well in advance of Memorial Day), a few instances of déjà vu and an unsettlingly low amount of eye candy to bring you…

Everything you need to know from May’s crop of glossies.

 
Details (112 pages):

Flips open to first page: hey, a two-page ad for that Louis Vuitton yachting watch we told you about.

The back-to-back pages of the “get yourself a cool midlife crisis car” teaser followed by an endorsement for evening farmers’ markets as newest nightlife craze might’ve made us sprout our first gray.

This is pretty much what we’d expect from the health issue, with features on hangover cures, your running form, finding nutrition from everyday foods, how to avoid handling “obesogens” that make you fat through osmosis, and a new party drug named Molly. If this, in fact, is their health issue… ?

That said, there’s a hangover-curing drink that involves stout, a raw egg and dark rum. Color us intrigued.

Justin Timberlake appears for one page, seemingly for no reason, to talk grooming (he likes to keep this mustache shorter than his neck beard). We’re putting even odds that, by now, he’s made just as many uncalled-for cameos in Details as he has on SNL.

This month in “Most Details-y Sentences”: “A cropped double-breasted plus a crisp shirt, tie, and pants (tailored to reveal a swath of bare ankle) adds up to an outfit that’s molto italiano.” (From the blazers roundup).

And on the very last page, we finally get our first peak at an attractive young lady—Kimbra, from the Gotye video—in a bejeweled onesie bathing suit. You almost lost us there, Deets.

 
Esquire (142 pages):

Okay, here we go, flip to first page: oh, hey, that same exact LV watch ad again.*

We get a brief primer on how to play craps from ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons with a few anecdotes, including the one about a time he rolled 29 winners in a row. Biggest lesson here: don’t bet against Billy Gibbons in a dice game.

“I would say things out loud while running in place in a warm pool.” –William Shatner on the creative process for his latest one-man show.

Nice to see Chris Pratt get some well-deserved shine. (You’ve see his perfected boyish charm on Parks and Rec as Andy Dwyer, and will see it on the silver screen in The Five-Year Engagement.) You never go full doofus…

This photo of the crabwich makes us wish we were closer to Chesapeake Bay.

This dubiously well-placed Chris Matthews ad looks a lot like a state senator’s campaign mailer. Just saying.

Robert Downey Jr., tour de force. Also: looks good in a white suit while balancing on a stone banister.*

There’s nothing crueler than giving us a lovely Mireille Enos pictorial followed by a photo of a naked overweight man. Once again, Esky, keeping it too real. Okay, the Chrissy Teigen has made up for it. We’ll call it even.

The next 20 pages read like an abridged Spin. Concert picks, Eddie Van Halen and something called Esquire Songwriting Challenge.

And we finish strong with Kevin Costner’s “What I’ve Learned,” and this gem: “At the end of the day, Waterworld was a bargain.”

 
GQ (188 pages):

Open to the first page, fully expecting to be greeted by the now-familiar double-page watch ad. But alas, no. Crestfallen, we flip two more pages. Oh, good. There it is.

Brooklyn Decker graces the contents page. This is a good sign. (And with that, GQ has already won in the ladies’ department for this month).

Letter to the editor gets super political—calling this the most overhyped snoozefest of an election since Grover Cleveland’s second run. We’re suckers for Grover Cleveland trivia (here’s another one for ya: he’s on the $1,000 bill.)

A picture of Bob Marley before he had dreadlocks. He was more stylish back then.

We’ll cosign the idea of summer-izing your home bar with exotic South American booze like pisco and cachaça. We will not cosign the title “Give Your Bar a Brazilian.” No, just… no.

Weird, this roundup of camera straps looks nearly identical to Details’ roundup of cameras—down to sharing two of the same cameras and the Tanner Goods strap. (Which is handsome, btw).*

Glenn O’Brien kind of, sort of endorses the prescription-less glasses look. He thinks they’re better than tattoos. We’re not sure we follow.

More love for Chris Pratt. We can’t disagree. We’re huge Burt Macklin fans, too.*

Speaking of… Introducing the newest terrible portMANteau word: the “himbo.”

The more we read this Derrick Rose piece—about how uncomfortable he is in the spotlight—the more we realize how uncomfortable he looks in these photos. (Especially in white pants). Here’s to a swift recovery, Pooh.

An exhaustive endorsement for dress shirts with slimmer collars. Which, in turn, leads to the need for a skinnier tie. We’re not sure we like where this is going.

What’s with the cartoon farts drawn onto the Tiger Woods photos? Has Jim Nelson been reading a lot of Perez Hilton lately?

The best part about the marriage guide is definitely the montage of Connie Britton reaction photos. Which made us realize this list could have been just one rule long: do as Coach Taylor does.

 
*Instances of déjà vu:

Robert Downey Jr. has some choice quotes in the Details profile of Chris Evans. He’s got a few more in his Esquire cover story.

Chris Pratt.

The camera spreads in Details and GQ. From the way the cameras are hung from hooks off-page, to the overlapping inclusions of two of the same cameras, one same camera strap and the choice of one non-digital camera.

Loafers in Details and GQ—they opt for tassels on theirs.

Both Esquire and GQ prescribe The Dictator as the final nail in the coffin for Sacha Baron Cohen as performance art. (Naturally, the Seacrest incident is cited in both.)

That darn watch ad. It was almost three-for-three as page zero.

—N.B.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • Najib Benouar