Jon Hamm is Esquire’s cover story this month, but the profile itself is a little… unusual.

That’s a delicate way of saying “off-the-rails crazy.” Just to prove he can, Tom Chiarella peppers the profile with outrageous lies on the level of a Chuck Norris joke. So in the first thousand words, we learn that Hamm sleeps in a self-designed hoverbed, keeps four eagles in his own likeness and cannot read. Apparently, he also has a new movie coming out.

If you haven’t read it, it’s here, but we’ve got something else for you first. In the name of investigative Hamm journalism, we dug up a few lost pages from an early draft of the piece. (A midnight burglary of the Hearst Tower may have been involved.) Check it out below…

Jon Hamm is a large man, both in profile and in stature. As I pull up to his modest cabin in the LA hills, he resembles a bronzed statue of a television actor more than any living creature. Standing upright, he measures nearly 11 feet tall. I park, and he wipes the sweat from his brow. He has just finished carving out Laurel Canyon with an axe. “Do you want some water,” he asks, smiling, “or should we just hit the road?”

I’m not thirsty, so we climb into Hamm’s panda chariot and hope we can get to the 405 before the morning traffic kicks in. I make a bad joke, something about gas mileage, and he tightens his grip on the reins.

Hamm smells incredible. Not like ham, exactly, although that’s part of it. There are also notes of sweet tobacco and the scent of a moonlit stream that has never known the touch of human industry. He doesn’t use cologne or deodorant or even bathe more than once or twice a year. It just settles over him naturally like dew. They tried bottling it, first Calvin Klein and later Ralph Lauren, but it kept causing explosions in the lab and in the end they decided it was beyond the grasp of modern science.

He tells me all of this as if he were describing a baseball game. “It’s basic reactive chemistry, to be honest. I tried to tell them. It would have saved them a lot of money, but they don’t want to hear that from an actor.”

As he says it, we pull onto the on-ramp and confirm what Hamm already knows. The 405 is clear. The pandas have served us well.

Editor’s Note: We have thoroughly fact-checked all the above assertions, and other publications should feel free to report them as fact.

—R.B.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • Russell Brandom