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Every month, we thoroughly examine the contents of GQ, Details and Esquire, so you don’t have to. This month’s breakdown—starring Peter Dinklage, bologna, double-breasted suits, Legos, Kate Mara, Momofuku, butter, bolo ties, Rob Ford, being well-rested, shooting animals, shaving cream, Iggy Azalea, Southern suiting and Shia LaBeouf, for better or worse—now.

Page Count

GQ: 210
Esquire: 184
Details: 204

Cover

GQ: LeBron James grins as if nothing is wrong as a basketball is ablaze in the palm of his hand. This shoot was either very hazardous or very photoshopped.
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Esquire: Tyrion Lannist… err, we mean, Peter Dinklage, rocking a made-to-measure Armani number and somehow coming off as even more of a boss than usual.
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Details: A couple of models posing and wearing handsome, fashion-y clothes. That leather jacket looks soft as butter.
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Food and Drink

GQ: Momofuku founder and chef David Chang pens his first column for the magazine in an effort to clear up any confusion surrounding good ol’ American bologna. Also, the best restaurants of 2014.

Esquire: Pointing out that their piece “Things Every Man Should Know About Cooking” won’t include “the number of extra calories butter adds,” Esquire jabs at the competition.

Details: This month’s award for headline we don’t trust goes to… “Chardonnay—Not Just for Cougars Anymore.”

Cars/Travel

GQ: Rosecrans Baldwin heads to Montana to learn how to shoot animals for fun. Because where else would he go?

Esquire: Wise words from Rusty Wallace, former NASCAR champ: “I never push a yellow light, ever. I just don’t trust anybody else.”

Details: We learn that there’s a 25 Year Rule for illegal import cars; two and a half decades after its release, any car that was once not American street legal, for whatever reason, loses such restrictions. And that’s actually really cool.

Entertainment

GQ: Apparently Shia LaBeouf will be starring in a new film entitled Nymphomaniac, with the beautiful Ms. Charlotte Gainsbourg. Wonder how he’s going to performance-art-apologize for this one.

Esquire: And the Alternative Oscar for Best Watch Commercial goes to All Is Lost, featuring Seiko.

Details: Rohan Chand, the 10-year-old opposite Jason Bateman in Bad Words, gives probably the cutest interview we’ve read since, well, ever.

Women

GQ: House of CardsKate Mara reminds us that Robin Wright isn’t, err… wasn’t the only stunner on that show. And Iggy Azalea poses with LA Lakers’ Nick Young, in various states of heavenly undress.0225marchissues4

Esquire: Annet Mahendru tells a joke whilst being beautiful, and How I Met Your Mother’s Cobie Smulders, somehow turns a flannel shirt into the sexiest article of clothing.0225marchissues5

Details: Our favorite BAMF, Robin Wright, smolders as ever on the last page. Because… damn.0225marchissues6

Sex

GQ: Overheard whilst driving an Uber cab, as recounted by Mickey Rapkin: “That’s what getting wild is these days. It’s getting it in the ass.” Ahem, what?

Esquire: The clinical term for having sex with a woman’s breasts, or titty fucking, as we’re suggested to refer to it as, is intermammary intercourse. Just a fun fact we thought you might like to know.

Details: The FDA just approved a new drug to treat Peyronie’s disease, which we’re told is what it’s called if your johnson looks more like a boomerang than an arrow.

Grooming/Fitness/Health

GQ: The gents suggest a few means to reduce calories during the average week. Which, it seems, means taking all the fun and butter out of your life.

Esquire: With the ungodly number of blades that the average razor has these days, making shaving as painless as it’s ever been, do we really need such an extensive breakdown of shaving cream? It seems gratuitous, if you ask us.

Details: A killer list of barbers, tailors and shoeshiners who make desk-side calls is on page 126. Rip that page out and save it, because you just really never know when such information’s going to come in handy.

Style

GQ: The guys from Shipley & Halmos take a minute to talk about their newest ventures, Southern suiting via Haspel and their upcoming gym-wear line, S&H Athletics.

Esquire: Bobby Cannavale, on style and manhood: “Drinking old-fashioneds and complimenting each other’s socks and sweaters: That’s what men do. Doesn’t mean I’m going to run out and start wearing bolo ties.” But if he were to, here’s how.

Details: “Easy Pieces” shows off this season’s leather accessories on definitely cool Lego mannequins. But the really stunner is this burgundy number in the spread on double-breasteds.
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Profiles

GQ: Besides LeBron, there’s a great spread on the secrets of upping productivity, courtesy of successful folks like Chris Hardwick and Arianna Huffington. The big takeaway? Organize your shit, and get some sleep.

Esquire: A closer look at Toronto mayor Rob Ford, and how some way, somehow, he hasn’t been shamed out of office yet. Only in Canada.

Details: Dan Schneider was the king of preteen programming for nearly two decades, responsible for stars like Amanda Bynes and Jamie Lynn Spears. So he’s who is to blame.

Serious Journalism

GQ: “The Mountains Where Women Live as Men.” Pretty self-explanatory, that one.

Esquire: Now we’ll take a moment to get to know Rahm Emanuel and his tenure in Chicago’s city hall. Apparently it’s controversial mayor month at Esquire.

Details: Some psychopath joined a secret, peace-loving hippy commune on a tropical island and everything went to shit. Doesn’t it always, though?

Just ask Leo in The Beach.

—S.P.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • Stephen Praetorius