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Every month, we thoroughly examine the contents of your favorite men’s magazines, including GQ, VMan and Esquire, so you don’t have to. The breakdown—starring a prosthetic hoo-ha, Gigi Hadid, terrifying skin treatments, fatherhood, Detroit, Jerry Seinfeld, Deepak Chopra, swimsuits, sexsomnia, parentheticals, finishing cream, mandals and a thong bikini or two—now.

Page Count

GQ: 176
Esquire: 144
VMan: 192

Cover

GQ: Channing Tatum, annoyingly tan and handsome as per usual. The bastard.0528-KEMPT-JUNE-ISSUES-1-GQ-June-2014

 
Esquire: Mark Wahlberg, child firmly planted on his shoulders, demonstrates how awkward it is to use children as props on magazine covers.0528-KEMPT-JUNE-ISSUES-2-Esquire-June-2014

 
VMan: Nicholas Hoult, looking British-ly pale, in an all-black suit and tie. Because, you know, spring/summer.0528-KEMPT-JUNE-ISSUES-3-Spring-Summer-2014

 
Style

GQ: The impending World Cup inspires a Rio-themed swimsuit photo shoot, with favorites from Onia, Orlebar Brown and more, accompanied by a respectable number of women in thong bikinis.

Esquire: What’s a sure sign that it’s June? More swimsuits. But there’s also this sweet little piece on relaxed-but-still-stylish “Saturday” clothes that we’re on board with.

VMan: Four pages on mandals might be a little much for our tastes. But if you’re going to indulge and biblically bear some toe, at least be sure to follow the commandments.

Women

GQ: The ladies of Pretty Little Liars are definitely that: pretty. Also, there’s a QR-coded rogue ass on page 114 that’s not the worst to be caught off guard by.0528-KEMPT-JUNE-ISSUES-4-GQ-Women-of-Pretty-Little-Liars

 
Esquire: Chloe Bennet, allegedly from ABC’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., tells a joke. And it’s funny, yes, but frankly our attentions are elsewhere.0528-KEMPT-JUNE-ISSUES-5-Esquire-Chloe-Bennet

 
VMan: Holy crap, Gigi Hadid. VMan ups the ante in a big way.0528-KEMPT-JUNE-ISSUES-6-VMAN-Gigi-Hadid

 
Cars/Travel

GQ: Durham, NC; Madison, WI; and Boulder, CO are named “The Best College Towns in America (When the Students Are Gone).” We’re skeptical of the grading system.

Esquire: The “Fatherhood” section suggests a few kid-friendly road trips that won’t suck for you either. The Oregon-based option is particularly enticing, with highlights being shipwrecks and crab benedict.

VMan: Nicholas Hoult and Bryan Singer try to make the case that the time travel in X-Men: Days of Future Past isn’t silly. We remain unconvinced.

Grooming/Fitness/Health

GQ: This four-page “Smell-Better-Than-Ever” section couldn’t be more perfectly timed, with this pre-June mid-80-degree streak we’ve got going on right now.

Esquire: It’s time to learn the difference between hair gel and pomade. And finishing cream. And paste. And “salt spray”? This field is just getting too broad.

VMan: If there’s one thing VMan has definitely got down, it’s photography. Case in point: this photo shoot about absurd skin treatments. Poor models.0528-KEMPT-JUNE-ISSUES-7-VMan-Skin-Treatments

 
Sex

GQ: In case you were wondering, John Waters has hooked up with a driver whilst hitchhiking. So there’s that.

Esquire: Word of the day: sexsomnia, which is used to describe “involuntary sexual behaviors performed while asleep.” It’s like sleepwalking. But slightly messier.

VMan: To play the role of Joe in Lars von Trier’s Nymphomaniac, Stacy Martin participated in 55 nude scenes, used a “porn double” and had a prosthetic mold of her vagina made. The things we do for art.

Food and Drink

GQ: In a couple-of-page section on “Domestic Mixology,” there’s this little ditty on how to mix with red wine. Blasphemy! We’ll try it, though.

Esquire: The Detroit Renaissance rages on, with Motor City securing the coveted “Bar City of the Year” title.

VMan: None to speak of. Except, perhaps, the honey on this guy’s face. Again, poor models.0528-KEMPT-JUNE-ISSUES-8-Vman-Skin-Treatments

 
Entertainment

GQ: The Fault in Our Stars hits theaters this month, and it turns out that its formula of teen love plus chemotherapy is just as effective when it comes to inducing tears as you expected.

Esquire: Larry David, on Seinfeld, on Jerry Seinfeld’s Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee: “I always wanted the show to get canceled so I wouldn’t have to work.”

VMan: Like we said, VMan kills it on the visuals. And now, a “decoupage homage” to James Franco and Seth Rogan’s “everlasting bromance.”0528-KEMPT-JUNE-ISSUES-9-VMan-James-Franco-Seth-Rogen

 
Profiles

GQ: Turns out, 50 Cent is coming out with a “comeback album”. (Their words, not ours.) Also, he enjoys a good vision board. Huh.

Esquire: Sarah Silverman, rather poignantly, on parentheticals: “When the lineup for this story described giving ‘your son (or daughter)’ a toolbox, I suggested that the writer not put girls in parentheses. It’s from a lesser time. I can fix things because I was not raised in parentheses.” Amen.

VMan: A look into the fiery mind of Michael Shannon reveals that, as expected, there’s way more to that scowl than meets the eye.

Serious Journalism

GQ: Also in Rio, besides said swimsuits: Glenn Greenwald, muckraker extraordinaire and publisher of Edward Snowden’s NSA secrets. GQ meets with him to discuss.

Esquire: “Wandering,” an essay on boys by Tom Chiarella, catalogs a lost generation of America’s young men.

VMan: Deepak Chopra talks urban yogis and addictions, in all their forms.

—S.P.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • Stephen Praetorius