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Every month, we thoroughly examine the contents of GQ, Details and Esquire, so you don’t have to. This month’s breakdown—starring tacos, whiskey, “The Meaning of Life,” Bradley Cooper, bacon, Downtown LA, F-bombs, indigo and a whole lot of Emmy Rossum—now.

Page Count

GQ: 110
Esquire: 112
Details: N/A; they combined their December/January issues into one, which we examined last month.

Cover

GQ: Bradley Cooper, sporting a micro-check suit with matching micro-gingham pocket square. Doesn’t feel very “January” to us, but definitely handsome.

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Esquire: “The Meaning of Life” is touted in bold lettering. Though we can’t imagine they fit it all in such a thin issue.

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Style

GQ: On indigo and global style trends: “The Japanese are addicted to it… but in the global era, regional trends don’t stay regional for long, thanks to the World Wide Web and the time-honored tradition of designers jacking one another’s shit.”

Esquire: This bit entitled “Look Good, Stay Warm, Climb Mountains” would have been way helpful if we’d read it before right now. Commuting’s kind of like mountain-climbing, right?

Women

GQ: Dylan Penn, Sean and Robin Wright’s daughter, thankfully got her mother’s… everything.

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Esquire: Emmy Rossum, of Shameless fame, bares just about every bit of her breasts that a non-porn magazine can print.

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Cars/Travel

GQ: Good advice: “The beauty of faraway vacations is that you can road-test a look you wouldn’t try at home.”

Esquire: More good advice: “Go for an actual walk in actual woods.” No, Central Park does not count.

Grooming/Fitness/Health

GQ: An oddball recipe for homemade toothpaste via The Descendants’s Shailene Woodley urges us to make sure that our “bentonite clay” comes from a “safe source.” We have no idea a) what any of that means, and b) why we would even think about making our own toothpaste.

Esquire: Comic James Corden on seasonal affective disorder: “If you’re American, don’t complain about [it], because you’re going to get a summer. At best, British people get 12 days where we don’t have to bring a coat.” Fair point.

Sex

GQ: A recommendation for “drunken late-night sex,” to help keep you up longer, to help minimize your hangover in the morning. Questionable, but we’re listening.

Esquire: When it comes to facial hair and oral sex, either go full mustache or shave that upper lip, says the gents’ grooming expert. Take heed.

Food and Drink

GQ: Is Downtown LA actually America’s next great city? We can’t say for sure. But does this taco look delicious? Definitely.

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Esquire: This recipe for granola pancakes with four-vice syrup. And breakfast was never the same.

Entertainment

GQ: The McConaissance rages on with this winter’s True Detective on HBO, with Woody Harrelson. Kind of feels like home, doesn’t it?

Esquire: “Comedy is like a cheeseburger. It’s great, but if you eat it every day, then it’s not good for you.” —Steve Coogan. Safe to assume comedy is also like those pancakes, then.

Profiles

GQ: Bradley Cooper has a potty mouth IRL. Not that this is particularly unexpected. We’re just confirming the fact.

Esquire: A whole slurry of notable duos try to advise us in “What I’ve Learned” format. Our favorites: the Winklevosses (Winklevi?), who almost convince us that they’re not still sore from the Zuckerberg fiasco. Almost.

Serious Journalism

GQ: In a cool/scary/certainly claustrophobic turn, weed suppliers are shuttling the green stuff into California from Mexico via secret underground tunnels.

Esquire: Kenneth Feinberg is the guy the government sends to help ease the pain after devastating events. And boy, has he seen some shit.

—S.P.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • Stephen Praetorius