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Every month, we thoroughly examine the contents of GQ, Details and Esquire, so you don’t have to. This month’s breakdown—starring whimsy, Jaime Lannister, Mrs. Draper, lamb meat loaf, undone black tie, the “Side Sweep,” penis pumps, ScarJo as an alien, a human Barbie, ADHD meds, chihuahuas in handbags and Boston Strong, dammit—now.

Page Count

GQ: 214
Esquire: 136
Details: 130

Cover

GQ: Pharrell Williams, decked out in blue and winking like a crazy person. Then again, maybe he’s just “happy.” (Alternatively, Liam Neeson or Kit Harrington, but we didn’t buy those covers.)

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Esquire: New late-night alpha dog Jimmy Kimmel in a sharp blue suit and a Sharpied-on mustache, looking smug. Deservedly so, we think.

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Details: Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Game of Thrones’ Jaime Lannister, looking positively springy, in white jeans and a wintergreen suede bomber.

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Style

GQ: We’d be remiss not to touch upon GQ’s Best New Menswear Designers. But this issue’s also got “The GQ 100,” with basically everything worth knowing when it comes to style right… now.

Esquire: Whimsy is making its way into our footwear, and our friends over at Esquire think that there’s something to be said for that. We couldn’t agree more.

Details: We’re digging the “12 Rules for Off-Duty Dressing” and its take on undone black tie. Also, the suede photo shoot toward the end of the issue—particularly that Burberry Prorsum number on page 119.

Grooming/Fitness/Health

GQ: The boys here endorse the “Side Sweep,” a haircut—short on the sides, long on the top—that’s been really making the rounds on runways this year.

Esquire: How to get into “the best shape of your life,” with such riveting gems as “the only person who can get you in shape happens to be you” and “eat a lot of fruit.” Come on, give us a little credit.

Details: Thank you for the shave advice, guys—it’s true, straight razors are dangerous—but you’re deluding yourselves to think that we’re going to start using such things as collagen masks or exfoliating clay on the regular.

Women

GQ: Game of Thrones’ soon-to-be queen of Westeros, Natalie Dormer, shows off her royal assets.

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Esquire: Mad Men’s Jessica Pare, aka Mrs. Draper 2.0, ever so seductively makes herself a sandwich.

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Details: Once again, none to speak of. Luckily, Esquire’s got to spare: here’s Veep’s Anna Chlumsky, being funny as per usual.

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Sex

GQ: Kate Carraway suggests men delete their Facebook accounts, despite all utility, so that they can appear to fit into some frustrating traditional masculine ideal. Not our favorite piece, if you couldn’t tell.

Esquire: On smoking after sex: “The reason you like to smoke after sex is that you like to smoke. You like to smoke after everything and before everything, too. Sometimes you smoke in between things. It’s positively addictive, smoking.” Brilliant.

Details: Turns out, about $172 million was spent on penis pumps by Medicare from 2006 through 2011. And there are just so many things wrong with that.

Cars/Travel

GQ: “The 12 Sports Pilgrimages Every Man Should Make” includes a trip to (specifically) this year’s Boston Marathon. Because Boston Strong, dammit.

Esquire: While “The Life List” features a number of must-have travel experiences, our favorite has to be “Fly in the Beaver.” Because, obviously.

Details: Mexico’s apparently got a fresh crop of non-spring-break beach resorts. That’s not to say you can’t visit them this spring—there’s just no need to bring your beer bong to a private villa.

Food and Drink

GQ: Chef David Chang, this time talking about how “fresh” really isn’t a thing and “rot” is what makes food delicious. Can’t we use a less disgusting synonym, though?

Esquire: We will be dreaming about this gyro-style lamb meat loaf until the second it touches our tongue.

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Details: Pro tip: the rind on cheese is meant to be eaten, unless there’s a physical barrier making it inedible, like wax or foil. Consider yourself enlightened.

Entertainment

GQ: Endorsements for Jim Jarmusch’s vampire love story, Only Lovers Left Alive; Scarlett Johansson as a “hot killer alien” in Under the Skin; and Darren Aronofsky’s hopefully-as-bizarre-as-the-actual-Bible flood epic, Noah. We’ll see all three, thank you very much.

Esquire: A few predictions on how Mad Men will make its inevitable end. Our favorite includes Dick Whitman and an Etsy store.

Details: And another seal of approval on Scarlett Johansson’s role as a murderous alien. As if we needed this much encouragement.

Profiles

GQ: As you would expect, there are some nice bits with the cover guys, Pharrell, Liam and Kit. But there’s also this piece on Valeria Lukyanova, a Ukrainian woman who’s made herself into a human Barbie. Go ahead, Google her. It’s terrifying.

Esquire: Kimmel, on current comedy: “The truth is, right now, Rob Ford is keeping me in business. There’s a new video every day. The mayor of Toronto throwing candy canes at small children. The mayor wandering into a dance club. I don’t even have to write it.”

Details: Boy George, on DJing in Miami: “It was mostly girls with chihuahuas in their handbags, asking, ‘When are you going to play Avicii?’ I’m not. I don’t want people to have a bad night out, but if you like bad music, it’s not my problem.”

Serious Journalism

GQ: If Ryan McGinley is one of the most important photographers in America today, why have so few of us ever heard of him? GQ tries to answer the question.

Esquire: “The Drugging of the American Boy” speaks to the tendency of psychologists to overdiagnose teenage American males with ADHD—just for acting as boys have for millennia. A solid read, and totally on-point.

Details: “Digital Mavericks 2014” takes a look at this year’s innovators of the e-world. And it seems like our guys the Winklevii are making a comeback.

Nobody tell Zuckerberg.

—S.P.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • Stephen Praetorius