I was late for work last week, moving at a steady clip, when a smiley dude in a purple Phish shirt stepped in front of me and raised his hand. It was 8am on a Thursday and he was high-fiving strangers on the street. When I refused and continued on my way, he looked at his outstretched hand as though it had emotions of its own and said, “Happy National High-Five Day to you, too.”

Keep an eye out for a Kempt story in the coming days entitled “Enough Is Enough with Bullshit Holidays”—but today, we’re focusing on the high-five part of this story. Or, more specifically, on when it’s okay, kind of okay and definitely not okay for grown men to randomly touch other grown men.



 
THE HIGH-FIVE
Green: Fathers and sons, golfers and caddies, fighter pilots, teammates, opposing softball players, NASA mission control workers.
Yellow: Fans of the same team (once), campaign staffers on election night (under 35).
Red: Strangers on the street, Internet friends, kittens.



 
THE AFFECTIONATE FACE SLAP
Green: Mob bosses, mentors, grandfathers, tenured coaches.
Yellow: Scout leaders, aging dock workers, off-duty Navy SEALs, catchers to pitchers after a no-hitter.
Red: Agents, grown men to neighbors’ kids, office employees.

 

 

 

 

KISS ON THE CHEEK
Green: Old friends, brothers, Europeans.
Yellow: College professors, cops two days till retiring from the force.
Red: Active servicemen, squash opponents, children, cab drivers.


BACK MASSAGE
Green: Masseuses, physical therapists, chiropractors, men actively looking to have sex with other men.
Yellow: N/A
Red: Everyone else.

—C.B.S.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • C. Brian Smith