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Field Guide: Open a Wine Bottle Without a Corkscrew

  • Jason Wire


Welcome to Kempt's Field Guide, in which our resident MacGyver and in-house shuffleboard pro, Jason Wire, offers practical solutions to all life's gentlemanly quandaries.

Every night, the same dream.

It’s early evening. Your home is filling with friends. You’ve just taken the Duke of Windsor’s jacket and offered him a glass of pinot when you realize: there’s not a corkscrew, wine key or crazily complicated robotic wine opener in sight.

What do you do? In real life, you keep calm, draw on your knowledge of physics and carry on. And give this list a read, just as a refresher. (In the dream, you... well, keep that to yourself.)

Allow us to present the Kempt Field Guide to Winning Everything, Vol. 1: Opening a Bottle of Wine Without a Corkscrew.»

Weekending the Right Way: The Summer Alfresco Party

In this new weekly series, we peer into your summer weekend agenda and offer a few essential sundries to help you make the most of your upcoming escapade. This weekend, you’re throwing an alfresco soiree.

Let’s face it: that repurposed keg tub has served as the centerpiece of every outdoor party you’ve thrown since graduation. It’s time for it to leak weird liquid somewhere else. And since you’re already headed to the dump, you might as well toss out the wobbly coffee table, the not-supposed-to-be-blinking Christmas lights and, well, just about everything else that’s been outside for over a year. We know, you kind of like that stuff.

We also know you’re going to kind of like this stuff more...»

A Taste of Honey


Surreptitiously disguised cheesecake has a long and distinguished history, but this is the first time it’s made it to the wine bottle.

Drink ‘n’ Stick is taking the old disappearing-swimsuit trick to the stodgy confines of the wine world with a peel-off bottle that appears respectable through the purchase process, but transforms into an elixir of Eisenhower-era smut once you get it home and peel off the outer plastic layer.

Pepsi can't be far behind.

Hitting the Bottle


We tend to gloss over it, but the traditional dark glass wine bottle is a pretty stunning design object. It’s sleek, geometric, and classy without being ostentatious. In other words, it’s perfect just the way it is.

But you can’t please everyone, so Christian Audigier has taken it upon himself to make French wine “cool again.” Apparently by covering it with day-glo panthers.

Audigier’s trying to draw in the whisky-and-beer crowd, but as usual he’s missing the point. Wine isn’t whisky and covering it with tattoos isn’t going to change that. All it does is ride roughshod over the centuries of French style, and show off his own very short memory.

And produce some extremely ugly beverages in the process.

Ms. Bundchen, Mrs. Love, and the Endangered Cork


The Carter: Gisele spends the latest Vanity Fair shoot finding creative ways to avoid goosebumps. [FashionIndie]

Tapped Out: Wines may be ditching the cork for the spigot. Anything that nets fewer corkscrew injuries is fine with us. [NYTimes]

All For Love: According to her publicist, Courtney Love is actually very frugal. [Luxist]

Ape Shall Not Purchase Ape: Boutique streetwear may not be the recession-proof staple we thought it was. [PSFK]

Handle With Care


Pouring wine has long been considered an art form, requiring the proper balance, technique, dexterity, and, perhaps most importantly, an elegant appearance to be suitably performed.

And if it’s shaped like the roots of a tree, even better.

Of course, pouring wine from the glorified decanter is a challenge in itself, but as the carafe drains, you’ll get a separate artistic kick from seeing which strands drain early and which stay full until the end. Of course, the weight will be unbalanced, but the carafe will just tilt over onto one of the other finger-like bases.

Made of borosilicate glass, only twelve decanters will be produced, with eight numbered and signed and four artist proofs. Our only suggestion: make sure you have enough room behind you when serving.

Deadly Stems, Kate Reads Up, and Atelier on the Move


Book Smart: Kate Beckinsale plays the "naughty librarian," thus setting the Dewey Decimal System ablaze. [Hollywood Tuna]

Presumptive Nominee: Now that he's locked up the primaries, it's time to ask the important questions about Obama's closet. [Brandish]

Problem Drinkers: Sip carefully: these wineglasses can kill. [NotCot]

Movin' On Up: Atelier packs their bags for SHNOT. Gesundheit. [Racked]

Short Story: Ladies give you advice on swimsuit shopping. No banana hammocks allowed. [Refinery29]