It wouldn’t be Cozy Week without the pièce de résistance of the movement—sweatpants.
Even just a year ago, the idea of “designer sweatpants” still seemed like a novel—almost subversive—concept. But as the progress of menswear marches on, it was only a matter of time before the once-reprehensible jersey cotton got handsomely upcycled by some of our favorite labels.
You did it. You survived Thanksgiving. Now what?
You could join the fray of rabid consumers… or you could catch up on your Kempt, with a few timely reads from the archives that should help you make it through the weekend—like some prescient sweatpants advice, football talk with John Elway or something magical we like to call T.Hanks-giving. Without further ado:
You’ve got less than two days to get ready for some football.
And more essential than any secret dip recipe or fantasy team voodoo, you’re going to need a trusty pair of sweatpants for your long Sundays to come—not to be confused with the Sundays at the bar (seriously, don’t wear these to a bar, to work or to anything other than an absolute emergency High Life restock). So we rounded up the finest specimens of jersey-cotton leg blankets on the market today, for your football enjoyment, depending on your sartorial leanings—from the Anglophile to the couch-styled.
Just as declining bee populations have recently signified a larger, potentially apocalyptic environmental crisis, there have been a handful of style trends throughout history that, when examined up against the broader cultural landscape of the day, have served as distress signals of something very, very wrong with our society.
These pants are living a lie.
From across the room (or across the internet), they look like honest, god-fearing denim. But as soon as you see someone walk across the room in them—or worse, actually touch the things—you’ll notice the unmistakeable pillowy drape of your sartorial mortal enemy.
Sweatpants. We meet again.
Normally, we’d write it off as a harmless joke, but we can’t shake the possibility that someone will wear these and think they’re actually fooling someone. Have we learned nothing from jeggings?
The sins of sweatpants are legion, but we’d nail it down to one precise factor: the fit. Or, to be even more precise, the complete absence of it. Even the trimmest pair tends to hang from the waist like a pair of unusually puffy curtains. The hate is well-earned but with mistakes like those, it shouldn’t too hard to do better, right?
Fil Melange is doing its best. These “Vonnegut” pants look like jeans from afar, but look closer and you’ll see what the description tactfully labels as “sweatshirt material.” Which is to say, yes, they’re sweatpants—but please don’t call them that.
They look pretty handsome, to be honest, and we don’t doubt they’d be the most comfortable pants in our closet. Still…this can’t help but feel like a supervillain emerging from a long prison stay. They’re reformed, we swear!
What’s the matter? Don’t you trust them?
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