Kempt

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An UrbanDaddy Publication

A Gentleman’s Guide to Spectacular Public Failure

Donald Verrilli is having a bad week.

He’s the US Solicitor General, currently arguing for the constitutionality of Obamacare in front of the Supreme Court—and as of 24 hours ago, he was an easy favorite. Then came what some writers are calling “one of the most spectacular flameouts in the history of the court.” He stuttered, he rambled, he lost his voice, and by the end of the day, he had gone from an unknown technocrat to the most notoriously incompetent lawyer this side of Lionel Hutz.

But we’re not here to pile on. We’re here to offer some consolation to Mr. Verrilli himself. Don, if you’re reading, it’s okay. Do you need a hug? You do. Take a breath. Try to collect yourself. And for the next five minutes, forget about the crushing media scrutiny and listen to our words of wisdom.

You’ve just had a unique and transcendent experience, Donald Verrilli»

Fashion Week’s Latest Victim: Michael Vick

The pageantry of Fashion Week usually includes a few stars from the sports world. In recent years, they’ve looked damn good (Amare Stoudemire, for instance), and more importantly, they’ve made the events seem like more than just a weeklong festival of the most inaccessible regions of the fashion world. Pull it off right, and everybody wins.

Until, of course, someone doesn’t.

Page Six has leaked word that Michael Vick is trolling for Fashion Week invites, and it’s not going so well. It could be the whole “cruelty to animals” thing, or his penchant for square-shouldered three-button suits—or just that Anna Wintour’s more of a Giants fan. Either way, it looks like he'll be sitting this one out.

A Beginner’s Guide to the Word “Cundiff”

Now that the dust has settled on Sunday’s Ravens-Patriots game, it’s time we took a closer look at its lexical legacy—the word “cundiff.”

Thanks to Billy Cundiff’s game-losing missed kick from just 32 yards out, the surname has taken on a life of its own, a brand-new word with unique meaning: inexplicably failing at a routine task, with catastrophic consequences.

Suddenly, we’re hearing it everywhere—not surprising, since it happens all the time. And to show how useful the new piece of vocab truly is, we’ve put together a few prime examples after the jump...

A beginner’s guide to cundiffing»

The Pros and Cons of FaceLube

FaceLube

I wasn’t expecting to discover a three-step men’s facial cleanser and anti-aging formula designed to look like automotive oil in the Kempt mailbox. And I certainly wasn’t expecting it to be made from caviar.

But when duty calls, I answer.

Long story short, I’ve been using FaceLube® Finest Germany [sic] Engineering and Men’s Anti-Aging Skin Care Technology for a Man’s Man® for weeks now—and as you might expect, some pros and cons have been identified...

The upside and downside of FaceLube»

The Hoodie of Madness

Thuggie

We see a lot of strange, ungodly things in the course of our blogging duties, and normally we’re content to let them go by without comment. But occasionally we’re confronted by a mixture of ambition and bad taste that’s so confounding, so utterly inexplicable, we have no choice but to inflict it upon the internet at large.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Thuggie.

We have no explanation for what you see before you. In fact, there can be no explanation.

Is it a snuggie knockoff? A parody of inner-city style circa Criss Cross? Why is one of the cuffs a different color? Is it actually a dress? Is it for wizards? Is it related to the South Asian criminal tradition of thuggee? How are you supposed to walk?

So many questions.

Jute Force

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We like patent loafers. We like espadrilles. But there is a larger issue at stake here, and we’re resisting the temptation to make it in all caps:

You can’t just mash together random shoes. Honestly.

We realize this is cheeky and deconstructivist and all those things, but there is no plausible reason for anyone to ever wear this shoe, other than to bask in the fact that they’re wearing something nonsensical. It’s even worse because jute soles are actually a cool thing if you’re dressing one notch above barefoot. But if you put a heel on them—or any material you don’t want to get sand on—they just look silly and pointless.

Kind of like this.

The Horror of the Onesie

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We try not to get too worked up about the slankets of the world, but a newly arrived item in LA’s Kitson Robertson seems dangerous enough to require immediate action.

Ladies and gentlemen, the fair isle onesie. Look upon it, and despair.

It’s basically a full-body hoodie (or if you prefer, a footless footie), the kind of thing you wear to broadcast the fact that you’ve stopped trying to interact with anyone who isn’t a cat. Sure it’s comfortable; that’s why it’s dangerous. That sweatpantsy indulgence is what leads intelligent, capable members of society into a life of indolence, shame, and blogging about microwaved foods.

Also, while it’s not mechanically impossible to have sex while wearing a onesie, it does seem unlikely.

You’ve been warned.

Words Fail

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Sometimes, you see something so horrible it makes you want to swear off retail entirely—something so foul, it calls into question the entire endeavor of making, buying and wearing new clothes. And frequently, the name Jimmy Choo is somehow involved.

The brand-that-must-not-be-named is getting its start in mens footwear, and the resulting haul includes high-tops made of cashmere, a faux-crocodile galosh with a pronounced heel and not a single thing we would consider putting on our feet.

We don’t want to make broad generalizations about menswear and womenswear, so we’ll just say that the problem here goes beyond the basic wrong-headedness of making a high-heeled galosh. (To wearers: tread carefully.) Jimmy Choo stands for everything you shouldn’t want in a winter boot: empty branding and aggressively anti-functional design.

If you need us, we’ll be drinking to forget.