By now, it’s a truism to say that clothes make a statement. But it’s, well, true.

And in this case, the statement is, “I don’t know how to dress myself.”

It’s not the hardest thing in the world to tie a tie. We suppose it’s fairly difficult compared to, say, combing your hair. If you’re having trouble, there are any number of websites and instructional pamphlets at your disposal. You could even print something out and paste it by your mirror to help you. But for the love of God, don’t start wearing it around your neck. It’s the semi-formal equivalent of a misspelled nametag.

Best of all, the website describes the tie’s 3-inch width as “Euro-chic.” Ah, sophistication…

George Carlin once said that America is good at two things: taking a good idea and running it completely into the ground and taking a bad idea and running it completely into the ground. We’re feeling charitable, so we’ll say this is a case of the former.

We like Takashi Murakami, and Marc Jacobs has been on his game lately, but their Monogramouflage pattern has officially reached the saturation point. This, for instance, is just embarrassing. Designed as a reader giveaway for Numero Tokyo, a Japanese high fashion mag, the mousepad may mark the moment when we got tired of the whole idea of luxury patterns.

That’s right. It’s a mousepad.

It’s no wonder Jacobs is trying to scale back the collaborations. If he isn’t careful, he may end up in the computer business.

This month’s Vanity Fair features a windy trot through the remains of Marilyn Monroe’s estate, in the name of unraveling the “mystery of Marilyn’s death.” There are a few Kennedy love letters, one from T.S. Eliot (!?), and a whole lot of morbid fetishism, courtesy of writer Sam Kashner. (The curious can find a full web-only accounting here.) Of course, the media loves a dead blonde, but this is more unseemly than usual.

Monroe’s death is only a mystery the way JFK’s death is a mystery. When a corpse is found surrounded by sleeping pills, you don’t have to reach too far for the truth. Monroe was an orphan, and struggled all her life with what Arthur Miller described (in a far superior VF article) as “the bottomless loneliness that no parented person can really know”, so her suicide not as inexplicable as Kashner would have us believe. The real shock is how blind most writers have been to her real, human problems.

We’re looking at you, Truman»

A Bad Idea is a Bad Idea is a Bad Idea: Proving once again, there is no bottom. [Daily Fiasco]

And Take Off Your Hat While You’re At It: Our favorite sports blogger gives us a user’s guide to the U. S. Open. The main point seems to be “sit your ass down.” Or something like that. [Daily Intel]

Breakfast at Christie’s: A Gawker alum summarizes a Christie’s auction…without calling anyone a douchebag. [RadarOnline]

Innner Tube: The creators of our new favorite show talk shop. (No, not The Wire. That was last month.) [AMC Blogs]

We’re giving our boy Takashi the benefit of the doubt here and assuming this is a knockoff.

Still, imagine the horrifying world we would enter if this sort of thing becomes common practice. So far the world of art and the world of things-you-can-imprint-on-your-jeans have remained blissfully separate. Nobody wants to see a formaldehyde-soaked shark sewn into your Levi’s. Pretty soon, that grungy-looking fellow with the paint-splattered chinos will be asking if you like his Pollocks.

Run, Banksy, run! Save yourself!

When times are tough, people tend to cut back on things that aren’t absolutely essential. For instance, the market for $500 tanning goggles is probably pretty shaky right now.

Sorry, Mr. Ford. This was a bad idea.

We’re all about creative materials, but this was a bad idea from the beginning.

We usually like wooden things—they can add warmth to a room, or a bit of wit to gadget design—but this one doesn’t work on either front. To recap for those who came in late, the purpose of a tie is to drape and/or hang. These polished logs aren’t going to do either; they’re just going to clack around stiffly every time you move.