Sometimes the fashion world ruins things.
It happened to Chuck Taylors. It happened to the espadrille. And now, it’s happening to the slipper.
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The pageantry of Fashion Week usually includes a few stars from the sports world. In recent years, they’ve looked damn good (Amare Stoudemire, for instance), and more importantly, they’ve made the events seem like more than just a weeklong festival of the most inaccessible regions of the fashion world. Pull it off right, and everybody wins.
Until, of course, someone doesn’t.
Page Six has leaked word that Michael Vick is trolling for Fashion Week invites, and it’s not going so well. It could be the whole “cruelty to animals” thing, or his penchant for square-shouldered three-button suits—or just that Anna Wintour’s more of a Giants fan. Either way, it looks like he’ll be sitting this one out.
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Now that the dust has settled on Sunday’s Ravens-Patriots game, it’s time we took a closer look at its lexical legacy—the word “cundiff.”
Thanks to Billy Cundiff’s game-losing missed kick from just 32 yards out, the surname has taken on a life of its own, a brand-new word with unique meaning: inexplicably failing at a routine task, with catastrophic consequences.
Suddenly, we’re hearing it everywhere—not surprising, since it happens all the time. And to show how useful the new piece of vocab truly is, we’ve put together a few prime examples after the jump…
| ALL This Sporting Life |
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I wasn’t expecting to discover a three-step men’s facial cleanser and anti-aging formula designed to look like automotive oil in the Kempt mailbox. And I certainly wasn’t expecting it to be made from caviar.
But when duty calls, I answer.
Long story short, I’ve been using FaceLube® Finest Germany [sic] Engineering and Men’s Anti-Aging Skin Care Technology for a Man’s Man® for weeks now—and as you might expect, some pros and cons have been identified…
| ALL High and Tight |
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So… you’ve said something stupid.
It’s okay. It happens to lots of otherwise-intelligent people every day. Just breathe and keep your wits about you. We’ll talk you through the rest.
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We see a lot of strange, ungodly things in the course of our blogging duties, and normally we’re content to let them go by without comment. But occasionally we’re confronted by a mixture of ambition and bad taste that’s so confounding, so utterly inexplicable, we have no choice but to inflict it upon the internet at large.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Thuggie.
We have no explanation for what you see before you. In fact, there can be no explanation.
Is it a snuggie knockoff? A parody of inner-city style circa Criss Cross? Why is one of the cuffs a different color? Is it actually a dress? Is it for wizards? Is it related to the South Asian criminal tradition of thuggee? How are you supposed to walk?
So many questions.
We like patent loafers. We like espadrilles. But there is a larger issue at stake here, and we’re resisting the temptation to make it in all caps:
You can’t just mash together random shoes. Honestly.
We realize this is cheeky and deconstructivist and all those things, but there is no plausible reason for anyone to ever wear this shoe, other than to bask in the fact that they’re wearing something nonsensical. It’s even worse because jute soles are actually a cool thing if you’re dressing one notch above barefoot. But if you put a heel on them—or any material you don’t want to get sand on—they just look silly and pointless.
Kind of like this.
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We try not to get too worked up about the slankets of the world, but a newly arrived item in LA’s Kitson Robertson seems dangerous enough to require immediate action.
Ladies and gentlemen, the fair isle onesie. Look upon it, and despair.
It’s basically a full-body hoodie (or if you prefer, a footless footie), the kind of thing you wear to broadcast the fact that you’ve stopped trying to interact with anyone who isn’t a cat. Sure it’s comfortable; that’s why it’s dangerous. That sweatpantsy indulgence is what leads intelligent, capable members of society into a life of indolence, shame, and blogging about microwaved foods.
Also, while it’s not mechanically impossible to have sex while wearing a onesie, it does seem unlikely.
You’ve been warned.
Sometimes, you see something so horrible it makes you want to swear off retail entirely—something so foul, it calls into question the entire endeavor of making, buying and wearing new clothes. And frequently, the name Jimmy Choo is somehow involved.
The brand-that-must-not-be-named is getting its start in mens footwear, and the resulting haul includes high-tops made of cashmere, a faux-crocodile galosh with a pronounced heel and not a single thing we would consider putting on our feet.
We don’t want to make broad generalizations about menswear and womenswear, so we’ll just say that the problem here goes beyond the basic wrong-headedness of making a high-heeled galosh. (To wearers: tread carefully.) Jimmy Choo stands for everything you shouldn’t want in a winter boot: empty branding and aggressively anti-functional design.
If you need us, we’ll be drinking to forget.
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Today we bring you some shocking news from the frontline of cutting-edge menswear: the garter belt for jeans. It’s part belt, part suspender—but at same time, neither—and looks like the sort of undergarment technology that could have come out of Victorian Era Britain.
On some level, this makes sense. Just like the width of a tie, there’s inevitably a measurable sweet spot for the low-slung waistline (we’ll assume the industry standard was set by Marky Mark circa 1992). But what’s most shocking is that someone saw an overlap between low-slung jean crowd and the fussy spat-wearers who might be willing to strap on a garter. If you can find us even one person in both category, we’ll eat our bucks.
In other words, no, we don’t see it catching on.
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Failure gets a bad rap.
Success gets all the headlines, but there are usually a few quiet failures beforehand. The trick is accepting them with grace and learning something along the way. And since practice makes perfect, some enterprising self-improvement gurus have decided to make a game of it.
It’s called Rejection Therapy…and it’s not for the faint of heart.
We’ve seen the future of the necktie, and it is terrifying.
This Business Card Presenter Tie was created in a single-day whirlwind of creativity as part of Dominic Wilcox’s Speed Creating Project, but it’s only a matter of time before it changes the world. From afar it looks like your standard business-issue neckwear, but pull a tab and the tie lifts up Dilbert-style to present a dangling business card.
Of course, in a business setting, you’re probably trying to avoid making the other person burst into hysterical laughter…but maybe it’s different for creatives.
If you found yourself watching an NFL game this weekend, you may have noticed a strange and unsightly creature clinging to the players’ feet. Ladies and gentlemen, feast your eyes on the ugliest sneakers we’ve ever seen.
They’re part of a league-wide push for breast cancer awareness…but somehow, things got all magenta. It’s all the worse because the classic breast cancer ribbon is a mild pink that goes with just about anything. These, on the other hand, were loud enough to give Jay Cutler a concussion. For shame.
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Facebook has a long proud history of getting people in trouble, but here’s one you might not have thought of: divorcĂ©es.
This AP piece opened our eyes to the growing number of spouses being busted through judicious use of social networks. Stories range from being caught playing Farmville during the kid’s soccer game to couples pics posted on the mistress’s Facebook page. Of course, everything’s archived and time-stamped, so anyone inclined to do a little digging can figure out just about anything they want. On Twitter, there are no secrets.
Of course, most of these problems are more the result of ungentlemanly behavior than invasive tech. It’s unnerving, but the best policy is still not to do anything you’d have trouble explaining to a judge.
Either that, or get comfortable wearing a fake mustache.
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Generally, we’re fans of function. Pockets, for instance, and tough fabrics that can handle wear and weather. But that doesn’t mean we want we want our suspenders to do anything other than suspend.
And, in general, we’d prefer it if you left our collar stays alone.
Enter Exuvius, a company offering laser-cut collar stays that double as a bottle opener, two types of screwdriver, and a thread-cutter. Leaving aside the question of how that Phillips-head looks in a collar, how exactly is a gentleman supposed to get it out of his collar without looking, well, less than gentlemanly? We’re all in favor of paying a little more attention to collar support, but going the Swiss Army route won’t do anyone any favors.
And last time we checked, Macgyver was more of a work shirt man.
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Vanityfair.com just executed what might be the best foreign policy/fashion bifecta ever to grace the slideshow form. The subject is Muammar Quaddafi, and his various bizzaro style choices—ranging from absurdly rococo kufis to HIStory-era MJ uniforms. Never has a world leader looked so much like a homeless person and remained in power.
The piece might seem a bit breezy considering how repressive Qaddafi’s been for the past 40 years, but we bet there are dozens of Libyan newspapermen who would kill to be able to write this piece. He’s deserved a good deflating for decades now, and it would appear that Graydon Carter has given it to him.
We don’t want to spoil it for you, so we’ll just single out this picture as worth a look. It’s actually one of his more understated outfits, but it might be enough to qualify him for a new kind of watch list…
Ladies and Gentlemen, this man is an asshole.
Our old friend Jared Paul Stern just filed this dispatch from the world of unimaginable wealth. He’s tasked with the world’s richest asshole, and we have to hand it to him: he made a pretty good choice. Introducing Mr. Marcus von Anhalt…
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We tend to gloss over it, but the traditional dark glass wine bottle is a pretty stunning design object. It’s sleek, geometric, and classy without being ostentatious. In other words, it’s perfect just the way it is.
But you can’t please everyone, so Christian Audigier has taken it upon himself to make French wine “cool again.” Apparently by covering it with day-glo panthers.
Audigier’s trying to draw in the whisky-and-beer crowd, but as usual he’s missing the point. Wine isn’t whisky and covering it with tattoos isn’t going to change that. All it does is ride roughshod over the centuries of French style, and show off his own very short memory.
And produce some extremely ugly beverages in the process.
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When used right, repurposed fabrics can give familiar items a new twist, make a clever comment on material sourcing, or just give great cloth a second chance. But you always have to consider where it’s been…
For instance, we’d think twice before wearing nylon that was once part of an inflatable sex toy. There just isn’t enough bleach in the world.
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We see a lot of bikes on our daily RSS trawl, and as strange as they get, they all get at least one thing right: function comes first. It’s not a car, and it’s not a tie. Let’s not overthink it.
For instance, by covering it with fake fur.
For the record, we have a lot of respect for Yohji Yamamoto, and we don’t want him to stop indulging himself.
But when you’re dressing grown men like 60-year-old female librarians, it may be time to reassess your principles.
The worst part is, we can imagine exactly how this happened. The shirt got looser and looser, and longer and longer, and more and more tartan. We’re betting Yohji didn’t know he’d made a shawl until it was all too late.
As for the skirt…your guess is as good as ours.
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We like to think we’re fighting back the ridiculous here at Kempt, but occasionally we see something that tests our faith in the underlying sanity of the fashion industry.
They just never learn, do they?
All luxury eventually curdles into self-parody, as Karl Lagerfeld can attest. And when it does, it’s never pretty.
But by the time you’re putting a bowtie and leopard print shorts on a dog, the game is pretty much over. What happened, Cavalli?
Then again, when you start being name-checked in rap songs, turning to canine fashion may be the only sensible move left.
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We’re used to seeing this sort of thing on runways, but when it goes retail, we feel compelled to sound the alarm bells before some fashion-forward lady friend of ours makes an impulse buy and finds herself looking at the world through her own personal beaded curtain.
In all sincerity: If you wear this, you will trip and hurt yourself.
And possibly jingle when you walk.
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Your portfolio may be down the tubes, but we implore you not to follow it. Keep your composure when all about you are losing theirs! Remain kempt in the face of unkemptness. Retain sartorial virtue.
And do not, under any circumstances, wear slippers you’ve cut from a sheet of velco-enhanced felt.
Please.
