Jon Hamm is Esquire’s cover story this month, but the profile itself is a little… unusual.

That’s a delicate way of saying “off-the-rails crazy.” Just to prove he can, Tom Chiarella peppers the profile with outrageous lies on the level of a Chuck Norris joke. So in the first thousand words, we learn that Hamm sleeps in a self-designed hoverbed, keeps four eagles in his own likeness and cannot read. Apparently, he also has a new movie coming out.

If you haven’t read it, it’s here, but we’ve got something else for you first. In the name of investigative Hamm journalism, we dug up a few lost pages from an early draft of the piece. (A midnight burglary of the Hearst Tower may have been involved.) Check it out after the jump…

The lost pages of Esquire’s Jon Hamm profile, acquired through suspicious means»
 

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