The January issue of Esquire does its readers a grave disservice in the innocent guise of giving advice about getting one’s ladyfriends liquored up. In its typical smarmy, overly-verbose style, the magazine’s “Man At His Best” section offers a primer on cognac, capped with the following: “The January Dilemma No. 1: Your Date, Though Curious, Doesn’t Want to Sip Cognac Neat.” It goes on to suggest feeding the unsuspecting female an emetic concoction consisting of cognac and cr‚àö¬Æme de menthe. They don’t give it a name, but we think “The Ipecac” suits it perfectly. The mag also inexplicably counsels readers to use perfectly good Rémy Martin Louis XIII for the mixture, which at $1,500+ per bottle is a little pricey to be dumping a bunch of mouthwash into.

The Kempt solution »

A Beautiful Day in The Neighborhood: Please join us on March 20th by wearing a sweater in honor of Mr. Rogers, won’t you? [AP]

Teenage Wasteland: Okay! Enough with the Cory Kennedy already. [Everyone, Everywhere]

Man of Letters: Original preppie king, Goldwater Conservative and trad icon William F. Buckley grabs a wing chair in that great club room in the sky. [Observer]

Theme Song: Remember Rock&Roll? Their new tribute to Milan Fashion week is called, “Coke Freaks and Fashion Whores.” Sounds right to us. [WWD]

“You’ll Never Go Wrong Dressing Plain and Dull”: This only works when running for national office. Otherwise, feel free to dress like a Somali elder. [Chicago Tribune]

The Keith Richards Workout: “For me, doing a Rolling Stones show for two hours a night, that’s enough f*in’ exercise, you know? Then I’ve got to go to bed with the old lady, bonka bonka. You know?” We know, Keef. We know. [Digital Spy]

Simple Statutes: Oh, sorry, did we forget to post Esquire’s New Laws of Casual Style? Here, let’s fix that. [Esquire]

Kate Moss by Irving Penn

Going, Going…: Christie’s will auction off a 135-piece collection of glamour photography by Richard Avedon, Diane Arbus and Man Ray which will include tastefully nude shots of Gisele and Ms. Moss. The Irving Penn cheesecake pics will likely go for $30,000 or so?about the same price as a night with Kristen. [Vogue UK]

Advocacy Journalism: A popular men’s fashion magazine contributes to a major shift in American foreign affairs. No, it isn’t The Economist. [Jezebel]

Cat’s Out of the Bag: Paul Smith is having a sample sale, just try to keep it on the down lo… crap… never mind. [Racked]

Four Eyes: Pull out your prescription lenses because cute/wacked nerd-chaser Verena Von Pfetten admits, “I just love me some myopia.” [Huffington Post]

Man’s Man: Jason Preston is everything women could want - fashionable, attractive, connected and willing to throw down to defend a lady’s honor. Too bad for them he’s engaged to Marc Jacobs. [NYPost]

All Aboard: By the next decade, New York Fashion Week may have a new home on top of the West Side Rail Yards, forcing poor Conde Nasters to walk more than half a block to the tents. [NY Daily News]

No Accounting for Taste: Dolce & Gabbana may be the most famous Italians slammed for tax evasion since Al Capone. [DNRNews]

Photographed by our fearless lensman, Patrick McMullan.

A MOTH likes his WOTH s, WWLs, and whatever they call the gratuitous knockouts in GQ just fine, but it’s exceedingly rare to find all the qualities one desires in just one woman. Often we’ve found that at least two are required.

And when it comes to the perfect pairing, it’s hard to beat the two pictured here: statuesque stunner Jessica Stam and cooler-than-thou actress Chloe Sevigny.

More on the stunning pair»

Time to brush up on your jai alai skills.

This month’s Esquire features a rundown on the more obscure sports and the Brit-inspired clothes they require. This being Esquire, the labels range from Burberry to Canali to the omni-present Mr. Lauren, but the styles are much more…uniform. White pants, white knits and white sneakers are more or less the uniform from tennis to cricket. Polo isn’t mentioned, but you can probably guess what to wear»

Oh Sarah: Esquire gets to know Alias’s Sarah Shahi. [Ohnotheydidn’t]

Wages of Win: Aquaman Michael Phelps is using his fame to steal female resources from Australia. Well played, sir. [Gawker]

Flags of our Golfers: Yet another travesty-heavy ad campaign. Strangely enough, for golf this time. [Copyranter]

Green Thumb: Esquire’s tips for seduction via lawn care. Oddly, they don’t mention avoiding manure. [Esquire]

Every Time a Bell Rings: A sneak peek at the latest Victoria’s Secret Angel. [People]

Down Under: This casual Aussie line is understandably confused about exactly what “Fall/Winter” means. Damn Southern Hemisphere! [Hypebeast]

The Steaks are High: A handy guide to Esquire’s exhaustive steak coverage. Don’t miss the 10,000 word Worstershire sauce profile. [NYM]

Yesterday’s Car of Tomorrow: A gallery of short-lived concept cars, all of which are more attractive than the Edsel. [Wired]

Staring at the Sun: It turns out our sun looks like a pizza up close. Copernicus would be proud. [Boston Globe]

Just What I’ve Always Wanted: A user’s guide to the insulting gift. [Esquire]

If I Said You Had a Beautiful Antibody…: Irony-prone scientists advance the chemistry of lust by studying Mormons. [Popular Science]

A Ram Market: Esquire tries its hand at objectifying sheep. Hilarity ensues. [Esquire]

Making Waves: Portugal turns to wave power, making them more vulnerable to the whims of Aquaman. [Inhabitat]

The Northern Lights: Canada isn’t quite as sartorially challenged as you’d think. After all, they’re trendsetters on some fronts… [Complex]

The Don: Every man has a little Nixon and a little Kennedy on his shoulders, tempting him towards good or evil. Apparently Don Draper is no different. [Vulture]

Basement Tapes: The lost Johnny Cash/Bob Dylan album, courtesy of your techno-libertarian friends at BoingBoing. [Boing Boing]

The Master Speaks: A true trad weighs in on the slipper craze. [A Suitable Wardrobe]

Yoo Hoo: An interview with Hyden Yoo, including his take on being the only designer to have eaten bugs to get where he is. [Valet Mag]

Glory Days: Esquire sidles up to the bar, orders a double bourbon, and reminisces about the good old days…by reprinting its seven best stories, including entries from Norman Mailer, Tom Wolfe, and Gay Talese. [Esquire]

Calendar Girls: Terry Richardson’s Vuitton-sponsored French Vogue calendar is as delightfully pervy as we knew it would be. [Fashionologie]

A Bad, Bad Thing: Esquire’s runs down the worst gifts of the year, inexplicably skipping the new T-Pain album. [Esquire]

Future’s So Bright: Oliver Peoples’ new sunglasses will come in handy when Daylight Savings Time ends and we start seeing the sun again. [acquire]

Every Part of the Buffalo: The Jezebel girls fry up some balls. Normally we’d joke about it, but we’re still recovering from the video. [Jezebel]

We have to admit, the Brits at Monocle are on quite a roll. They’ve managed to put together their own shop, an excellent scarf and now this leather notebook with a subtle “M” logo stamped on the side of each page. Ladies and Gentlemen, this is branding done right.

We can’t wait until Esquire catches on and we get to see this kind of cross-promotion stateside.

Stuart Little: In this case, it’s Paul Stuart, but we will go to any store that devotes this much space to socks. [NYTimes]

Big Pharma: We still don’t like Damien Hirst. [HintBlog]

Engineering!: A chat with Engineered Garments’ Daiki Suzuki reveals a healthy obsession with flannel vests. [TimeOutNY]

The Ruling Party: Esquire’s rules for dinner party guests will not tell you which one is the fish fork. [Esquire]

Hef History: When pretentious literary quarterlies write about Playboy, everybody wins. We’re still waiting for the New Yorker’s 10,000 words on Hustler. [n+1]

Stiff Upper Lip: To Esquire, the whole world is a case study on proper facial hair grooming…but the Golden Globes give more of a range than you’d think. [Esquire]

Steel Wheels: Biker gangs are terrorizing the countryside! On bicycles! [PSFK]

All the Colors: The Boston Globe’s handy guide to non-chemical hallucination. Fair warning: you’ll want to keep some ping pong balls handy. [Boston Globe]

It’s a long-running joke that Esquire and GQ publish the same “new rules for men’s style” every year—the sartorial equivalent of Cosmo’s “487,000 Ways to Please Your Man”—but we’ve never minded too much. The rules tend to be genuinely overlooked lessons, like that fit matters and a well-dimpled tie is never wasted. We just wish they’d stop telling us how new it is.

This time around, they called it a manifesto»

Hearts and Minds: Obama’s no jacket required policy wins over Esquire, may or may not be a Phil Collins reference. [Esquire]

Streets is Watchin’: Monk shoes continue to be awesome. Also, leather gloves. That is all. [The Sartorialist]

On the Job: Job-interview style, courtesy of Men.Style’s infamous vloggers. [The Choosy Beggar]

Prance By: Google accidentally kills a deer. Let’s just pray it was a hybrid car. [Gizmodo]

Jean Genie: Rebounding from Ms. Mendes, Calvin Klein is up to his old tricks. [My Fashion Life]

Whitest of All Time: Ms. Lambert waxes rhapsodic on St. Elmo’s Fire, perennial candidate for preppiest movie of all time. The verdict? “It’s the French New Wave via Reagonomics.” [This Recording]

Old, Old Times: “Old Jews Telling Jokes” is now an internet meme. Funny, we thought it was just Thanksgiving. [Boing Boing]

Wine-Oh: Esquire hits the bottle hard with a roundup of good booze under $15. [Esquire]

Suit Up: A calm, mathematical reaction to the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. There’s a first time for everything. [Daily Intel]

Do You Have Anything in Flourescent Yellow?: Esquire gives advice on the best gear to wear on a construction site…and happens to recommend some of our favorite brands. [Esquire]

Protect Your Neck: For no particular reason, the top ten hit jobs in cinematic history. Get ready to see a lot of ruined suits. [Vulture]

Valentine’s Insurance: 10 solid movies about unfulfilled love, just in time to put on your Netflix queue and have in your hands by Saturday. Don’t say you weren’t warned. [TakePart]

Just Long Enough to Reach the Ground: Esquire declares the return of the leg…via the well-cut slit skirt. [Esquire]

To the Moon, Alice: Commuting from the moon is getting really expensive… [BlackBook]

Mansion on the Hill: You haven’t seen tragedy until you’ve seen the look in a billionaire’s eyes when he walks away from a $750 million mansion. We don’t blame him: those stone lions look pretty sweet. [Luxist]

Bear Alert: Seth Rogen is set to appear on the cover of Playboy. We predict it will be the only issue anyone actually reads for the articles. [Page Six]

Don’t Mess With Lohan: Lindsay Lohan does another set of topless snaps, courtesy of Hedi Slimane. Does this count as a step forward? [FashionIndie]

In Japan, Thermal Wrap Wears You: Tadai Yanashi, the owner of Uniqlo, is now officially Japan’s richest man. Suck on that, Shigeru Miyamoto! [Luxist]

It’s Fundamental: Esquire starts to read again…as we slowly stop reading Esquire. [Esquire]

Mickey Mouse Club: Vulture imagines the sublime trainwreck that could have been the Mickey Rourke acceptance speech. [Vulture]

The celebrity profile is wearing pretty thing these days, but luckily Esquire has come up with the kind of Pop Art idea that ade their name in the 60s: use the same language to write gushing profiles of random, everyday people. What was that about 15 minutes again?

The result is Esquire’s profile of the Best Dressed Real Man in America named as the most sartorially accomplished non-model/actor/designer/musician. His name is Kenyatte Nelson, he’s a pharmaceutical rep from Cincinatti, and this was the only way he was ever going to get a profile in Esquire

We see what Mr. Nelson has to offer»

It’s been brought to our attention that Esquire’s best dressed man, Kenyatte Nelson, is in fact a brand manager for Proctor & Gamble, rather than a lowly PR rep.

We’ve got a few brand managers here at Kempt, so we’ve got no snarky quips in their direction, but if Nelson’s really holding the keys to the kingdom…can he do something about the logo?

Maybe something a little less freemason-y?

Oh, Rose: Rosario Dawson continues to be one of our favorite things about New York. [T Magazine]

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year: Our nation’s finest monthly prepares you with a set of St. Patrick’s Day cocktails. [Esquire]

The Good Old Days: ACL unearths a treasure trove of WWII-era military vintage. [A Continuous Lean]

Get the Led Out: The zeppelin threat is real. [Boing Boing]

Chinese Democracy: Complex surveys the female talents of the Middle Kingdom. [Complex]

Tally Ho: We can never get enough nautical ephemera. [Selectism]

Bennesquire: Esquire struggles valiantly to make Ben Affleck interesting, and succeeds. If you only read one celebrity profile this week… [Esquire]

The Pack: Packing a suitcase is now a spectator sport, and Mismo comes out looking pretty good. [h(y)r collective]

Girl from the Low Countries: For posterity’s sake: the definitive guide to Dutch women. [YesButNoButYes]

Some Kind of Comedian: The top ten comedians according to other comedians. We don’t know how Dane Cook missed this one. [Vulture]

Like Red but Not Quite: Nick Sullivan ponders the joys and dangers of the pinkish hue. We prefer “salmon” ourselves. [Esquire]

Gone Beggin’: Our new favorite Thom may be having some financial difficulties. He can always fall back on his acting career… [The Cut]

Bond and the Women: The British GQ counts down a list of the Bond girls that might have been. Mr. Craig should be so lucky. [The World’s Best Ever]

Fare Thee Well: Supertouch says goodbye to prolific and beloved photojournalist Shawn Mortensen. [Supertouch]

In the Coconut: Esquire sings the praises of lime cologne. [Esquire]

The Magic of Technology: More Kanye-themed gifs than you ever wanted to see. [Best Week Ever]

Ad men have been enjoying quite a bit of attention, so the time is ripe for a gushy documentary covering some of the industry’s greatest hits. Who came up with that “got milk” business, anyway?

Art & Copy (via Josh Spear) tracked down the creatives in question—in this case, Rich Silverstein and Jeff Goodby—along with a slate of other names like George Lois of the famous 60s Esquire covers and Hal Riney of the 1984 Reagan campaign. Together they’re responsible for some of the most iconic images of the past 50 years. We’re thinking of the “I Heart NY” logo, the Energizer bunny, and the more recent dancing silhouette iPod ads…but we’re sure you have a favorite of your own.

It’s not bad as a profile of an industry, and we’re sure there are more than enough outsized personalities to fill up 90 minutes—especially whoever was unselfconscious enough to offer the quote, “we’re doing exactly the same thing as the guys who were painting on caves.”

A master marketer should have known how that was going to sound.

See the trailer after the jump»

The Golden Age of Swimwear: Stylehive reminds us of the subtle charms of the retro-cut swim suit. [Stylehive]

Maternal Anxiety: Esquire counts down the top 10 mothers of all time, and the competition is pretty stiff. To give you some idea, the Virgin Mary only clocks in at #5. [Esquire]

A Life, Considered: Kate Moss is at work on a memoir, and we’re guessing Johnny Depp is sweating through his goatee. [My Fashion Life]

It’s the Beard: Hickey introduces us to our new favorite male model. [Hypebeast]

The decline of the celebrity interview has been fairly well-documented, but just when you think the whole enterprise is too hopelessly compromised to convey an honest human moment, Esquire comes along and drops something like this.

The piece is the Christopher Walken edition of their ongoing “What I’ve Learned” series, and it might be the best thing ever to grace their pages. (That’s right, we’re looking at you, Talese.) Walken’s screwball banality cuts right through all the false modesty, PR calculation and good-natured cant that usually makes this kind of writing such a minefield. Ponder this gem, for instance:

Sometimes I look at this watch and I think, There’s some guy that puts these little screws in there? There is something about it.

Or better yet:

I used to love Danish. My father used to make a Boston cream pie. You never see that anymore. Very good.

Truer words were never spoken.

Ideally Situated: Esquire achieves branding nirvana, with a little help from Megan Fox. [Esquire]

Lens Flare: The Times launches a photoblog, supplying Gawker with at least 30 posts over the next few months. [Unbeige]

Kanye Has a Lot to Answer For: The rise of the blipster, as illustrated by Kanye’s entourage. [The Root]

The Ghost of Hatchbacks Past: Autoblog counts down the top ten forgotten convertibles. [Autoblog]

All that Glitters: In response to troubled times, CITY Magazine gets even crazier. [Refinery29]

Paint it White: Esquire rewrites the rules of wearing white—suspiciously, just after memorial day. [Esquire]

The Man in the Mirror: A hapless film critic subjects himself to Michel Gondry’s pitiless caricature skills. Better you than me, Mr. Modell. [A.V. Club]

Band Aparte: Band of Outsiders keeps cropped preppidom going in their F/W catalog. [Anthem]

In case you missed your issue of Esquire this month, we’ve got an emergency dose of masculine wisdom. This one comes courtesy of Omar Tehawko who put together the poster at the left. He’s managed to narrow the Things a Man Must Do down to five simple imperatives:

1) Shoot a Small Helpless Animal
2) Visit Space
3) Punch a Lion in the Face
4) Fly a Jet Fighter
5) Save the Day

It might take some doing, but nobody said manliness was going to be easy. First, you’ll need a lion with a glass jaw…

That 70s Spread: Mila Kunis graces the pages of DETAILS. [FashionIndie]

Gimme Shelter: Esquire digs up their piece on Altamont, in honor of the Woodstock movie seeming insufficiently badass. [Esquire]

Go, Joe: The G. I. Joe movie merits its first musical parody. [Ad Freak]

Dead Man: Opening Ceremony’s New York branch gets a cadaver on the roof. [Gawker]

Academy Fight Song: W Mag finds Lara Stone a headmistress gig. [Fashion Copious]

Don’t Get Shirty: Esquire drops a few work-appropriate shirts, including the increasingly beloved rounded club collar. Just don’t call it “Peter Pan.” [Esquire]

It’s Always Design Week Somewhere: Copenhagen Design Week sees the world’s first human car wash. [The Moment]

Just a Minute: A new site lets you spend a minute in almost any city in the world. [PSFK]

Hello, There: Fashion Copious checks out the portfolio of Ms. Silwia Jankowska, and we’re beginning to think every model in the city has a “slinking on the floor” shot… [Fashion Copious]

Oh Man: A familiar face takes stock of the “manly advice section of the bookstore. The verdict? You’d better learn to tape drywall. [Slate]

Roll Out: Esquire takes stock of the latest runway trends, as applied to what you already own. Get ready to roll those pant cuffs. [Esquire]

Music for SmartPhones: Brian Eno fulfills his destiny with a generative iPhone version of Music for Airports. Maybe he was too cool for Android? [Gizmodo]

No Big Hair: This is Vogue Russia, so we imagine she’s quite cold. [FashionIndie]

Life Lessons: Esquire digs a Roman Polanski’s “What I’ve Learned” piece out of the archives. Notably absent: “Never trust the Swiss.” [Esquire]

Take it Straight: Whisky gets its own social network. [Lifehacker]

Smash and Grab: Art theft continues to pick up steam. Also, it’s pretty awesome. [UnBeige]

At Least, According to Esquire: Somewhere, Sophia Loren is fuming. [Esquire]

She Seems Cool: Planet Magazine breaks the news on a possibly fictitious group of Ukranian Amazons. [Boing Boing]

Clowns in Space: Really, the headline says it all. [The Guardian]

Protect Ya Legal Exposure: Wu-Tang, while forever, is also surprisingly litigious. [Vulture]

It Gels: Iekelene Stange is at the mercy of idiosyncratic designers. [Fashion Gone Rogue]

Alone in the Dark: Martin Scorcese names his eleven favorite horror movies. Apparently he’s not a Wes Craven fan… [The Daily Beast]

God’s Country: Des Moines gets a dose of sculptural clout. Does this count as the Bilbao Effect? [NYTimes]

My God, It’s Full of Stars: Esquire is planning something hinky and potentially earth-shaking with Augmented Reality. We think it involves Robert Downey Jr. pulling a Lawnmower Man. [Esquire]

We Are Entirely in Earnest: A gentleman’s guide to Blake Lively’s cleavage. [DailyIntel]

Cougar Warning: The latest dispatch on the cougar trend is quite possibly the most depressing thing we’ve ever read. But don’t let that stop you… [NYTimes]

The Sky is Falling: Astronomy buffs take heed. Early tomorrow morning, we’ll be enjoying the non-apocalyptic kind of meteor shower. [Lifehacker]

In a Word, Jackets: Esky does what it does best: Tell you how to dress. [Esquire]

Mark Your Calendars: The latest Terry Richardson-lensed Pirelli Calendar just went out through the mail—but unless you’re a subscriber, you’ll have to make do with teaser shots like this one. [Fashion Copious]

The Big Thirteen: Esky gets its MacArthur on, naming thirteen renegades currently changing the world. [Esquire]

Bad Lieutenant! Bad!: Werner Herzog talks about coaxing the crazy out of Nicolas Cage for the upcoming Bad Lieutenant. We’re a little excited, if you couldn’t tell. [Movieline]

We’re All Cousins, Aren’t We?: Vampire Weekend’s latest single is actually kind of badass. [BlackBook]

Beach Drinks: We’re pretty sure this counts as a beach vacation. [Fashion Gone Rogue]

Also, Avatar: The Shipley & Halmos folks list ten things that never go out of style, including the Beatles, A Tale of Two Cities and acid-washed jeans. [corduroy magazine]

Caveat Emptor: Ladies and gentlemen: the world’s ugliest Rolex. Consider yourself warned. [Luxist]

Well Heeled: Esquire.com inches ever closer to shoe porn. We have no problem with that. [Esquire]

Flaxen Hues: We’re feeling pretty good about overalls. [WBE]

We’re Schlubby as Hell, and We’re Not Going to Take It Anymore: Jesse Thorn finally has his Howard Beale moment. In a good way. [Put This On]

G.O.A.T.: Esquire counts down the best dressers of all time, including George H. W. Bush, Michael Corleone and John Calvin. [Esquire]

Spades: A few days with Kate and Andy Spade, formerly of the pseudonymous Jack Spade. [NYMag]

On the Table: Clearly, she is in need of some assistance. [Fashion Copious]

We’re Going With Trad: Esquire gives you the 12 styles of American man. Notably absent: gangster, CPA, and gangster CPA. [Esquire]

Aggy’s Back: Agyness Deyn gets into the movie business, via a 12-minute film noir. [The Moment]

Very Distressed: Burton’s Olympic snowboarding uniforms get the takedown they so richly deserve. [Murketing]

Knives Out: We’re not sure what she’s looking at, but we’re glad it’s not us. [Fashion Gone Rogue]

Silent Kids: Chuck Klosterman sits down with Stephen Malkmus, in what we can only assume was the most deadpan interview ever. [GQ]

Full Coverage: George Lois looks back on his favorite twelve covers, including Sonny Liston as Santa. [Vulture]

Matchstick Men: An exhaustive record of matchbooks handsome enough to make us cash in our Zippos. [The Matchbook Registry]

The Other Side: It may have been something you said. [Fashion Copious]

Taking it Back: The bible of prep, Take Ivy, is finally getting an English reissue. [Mister Crew]

Dynamic Duo: In honor of Alice, Esquire digs up a vintage Tim Burton and Johnny Depp interview. [Esquire]

Milking It: T Magazine introduces us to the Cortado: espresso mixed with steamed milk in equal measure. [The Moment]