As happenstance would have it, one day you might run into that girl you dated sophomore year. Or post-college for a month or two. Or whenever. And after a quick catch-up over coffee, she’ll invite you to dinner. But you’ll just know she doesn’t mean dinner in the traditional sense.
Though food might still be involved, if you remember correctly.
Wait, why did you break up again? Doesn’t matter. You’re both single, and over each other, and she’s got legs till Saturday. This is your moment. Do something crazy. Hell, maybe even call it “closure.” But before you go ahead and bury the hatchet, so to speak, we’d like to set up a few guidelines to help you survive such a risky endeavor unscathed. Besides, we wouldn’t want this to end like last time, now would we?
If there’s one day of the year you should really feel obligated to clean up your act, it’s Mother’s Day.*
Which means a clean shave, tucking in your shirt and, by all means, absolutely no foul language. (A card wouldn’t be a bad idea either.) Yes, even if you’re just planning on spending a few heartfelt moments over the phone with your salty seafaring sailor of an old lady.
But chances are, you’re going to be seeing dear old mum, face-to-face, over brunch—possibly with an impressionable child or two within earshot of your every syllable. We understand it can sound like a tall order to keep it clean (especially when you’ve been waiting all spring to tell the family your Dennis Rodman story), but we’ve got you covered with this handy list of euphemisms and campy alternatives to your favorite four-letter words.
You’ve got friends and colleagues and acquaintances. And thanks to Facebook, you’ve probably got a pretty accurate count of each one. But when the time comes to confide, to spill a personal secret to someone you trust implicitly... you may be coming up short.
According to a recent Cornell study, the average American makes do with only two “confidants”—down from three in 1985—and as we scan our own contact list, we have to admit that’s about right. We’ve got double the personal network of the last generation, but it’s only half as deep—but it’s not too late to dust it off...
As a rule, gentlemen do not make obscene gestures.
But we live in a complicated world, and there may come a time—possibly in foreign lands—when such a gesture is suddenly, unexpectedly leveled against you. And due to Earth’s rich tapestry of cultural difference, you may not know exactly what you’re being accused of.
So we thought we’d take a quick, illustrated tour through five of the most prevalent and/or amusing gestures the world has to offer—from Italian devil horns to the secret meaning of the thumbs-up. Use this knowledge only for good.
As connoisseurs of history, we sometimes find styles, habits and turns of phrase from the past that we wouldn’t mind bringing back to the present, Doc Brown-style. This time around, we’re dusting off morse code.
You never know.
It’s one of the few constants of life. After tomorrow, you could be lost in the wilderness, wrestling bears for survival. You could find yourself becalmed on the high seas, signaling to passing ships with a flashlight. The future is cloudy, like the fortune tellers say.
All you can do is try to develop skills that will get you through any situation intact. Skills like knot-tying, tent-pitching...and an ostensibly outdated system known as Morse Code.