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The Red/Yellow/Green Guide to Underwear

  • Bianca Monica
The Red/Yellow/Green Guide to Underwear

Advice from Kempt’s resident possessor of two X chromosomes and undergarment authority, Bianca Monica.

My underwear are meticulously folded and organized, in a drawer, by style and color. They’re washed separately from everything else. On date nights, I take no chances. I buy new ones. They’re chosen after at least an hour of browsing. What number date is this? How many errands am I running today? Is it actually Tuesday?

These are the things my underwear and I think about.

And yet, I sometimes get the feeling that you, gentlemen, aren’t putting in that same effort. Even though your entire romantic future may rest on it.

So we put together this Red/Yellow/Green guide on how to approach your drawers.

Jeans, Preppies and Cheap Bourbon


Jean Genie: Rebounding from Ms. Mendes, Calvin Klein is up to his old tricks. [My Fashion Life]

Whitest of All Time: Ms. Lambert waxes rhapsodic on St. Elmo’s Fire, perennial candidate for preppiest movie of all time. The verdict? “It’s the French New Wave via Reagonomics.” [This Recording]

Old, Old Times:Old Jews Telling Jokes” is now an internet meme. Funny, we thought it was just Thanksgiving. [Boing Boing]

Wine-Oh: Esquire hits the bottle hard with a roundup of good booze under $15. [Esquire]

Nudity, Innocence, and Albinism


As Long as it’s Vital to the Plot: Eva Mendes wants to “push the envelope” even further than her scandalous Calvin Klein ads. We’re happy to hear it, but unless we’re mistaken, there isn’t much more to take off. [WWD]

An Innocent Man: Kanye is freed…but the real camera smasher is still walking the streets! [Kanye West’s Blog]

Albinism is the New Black: The only black man on the runway for Patrick Ervell albino. Somehow, this is a victory for diversity in fashion. [NYT]

Crouching Panda: Wondering what Slovenian post-structuralist Slavoj Zizek thinks of Kung Fu Panda? Now you know. [Vulture]

The Forces of Eva


It looks like Kempt favorite Eva Mendes has dabbled in advertising once again, this time in a nipple-baring spot for Calvin Klein’s Secret Obsession. In the grand tradition of perfume ads, the product is the least interesting part, but this particular one was so “provocative” that it managed to get rejected by every network, and subsequently barred from broadcast. Oops…

Gawker suggests, the ad may have been intended as unairable to cause a scandal and raise more publicity for the brand. If so, we can only applaud it as a step in the right direction. Any marketing strategy that involves showing beautiful women’s breasts to the internet is all right in our book.

See the ad for yourself»

Nipple Slips, Indigo Farms, and the Commander in Chief


The Original Harlot: While many may think it?s Marilyn Monroe, no no, Ms. Jayne Mansfield takes that title in a blow out. Meet the master of the purposeful nipple slip. [This Recording]

Time of The Season: A couple of summer-appropriate mixtapes from the gentlemen at A Continuous Lean. Now you can impress all your dive-bar buddies with your taste in music. [A Continuous Lean]

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on... The point is, you can?t fool me twice: A look at Oliver Stone?s new feature on our fearless president. [Gawker]

Country-Military Chic: This new line from Adrian Nyman, Phillip Law and Indigo Farm is sure to inspire some ooo?s and awwww?s, and possibly some confused gazes. It is, after all, inspired by antiquated Far Eastern manufacturing techniques. [Refinery 29]

Calvin Comes Home: Mr. Klein will be bringing his line of men?s clothing back to NYC, where it all started, at least for one season. [DNR]