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The Kempt Guide to Sending Back Food in a Restaurant

  • Jason Wire

Here we are: the height of feasting season.

That means your focus for the next month is fitting in as many dinners as humanly possible. But be forewarned: increased feasting frequency means busier kitchens and a higher chance of culinary errors—namely in the form of undercooked eggs, overcooked steaks and rogue hairs.

In seasons past, you may have let these sorts of things slide. But this year, you’re winning the holidays. And that means exercising your God-given right to eat dinner the way it was intended to be—even when it means sending it back. It’s an essential move, but not without risk: it can irritate your server, create tension among your dining companions and seriously diminish your dining-out cred. Unless you do it correctly.

Herewith, a five-point plan to knowing when and how to give your chef a mulligan.»

The Worst Accessory to Sandals Since Socks

What happens when you combine hallucinogenic drugs and venture capital money? KUSA Fake Grass Flip-Flops by Yashin™ happens.

From time to time, we come across a bad idea so bad that it verges on being dangerous. And since we’re committed to limiting your style liability at all costs, we felt it our duty to walk you through the matted, slimy and downright ridiculous claims being made by the Australian ravers-turned-footwear-experts at KUSA by Yashin™.

KUSA Claim: It’s the sensation of walking barefoot on grass. Anywhere! Anytime!»

Sherlock Holmes Would Like His Laptop Back

Here’s the latest steampunk laptop from “Prestidigital Datamancery & Paraphernalia Technofetishism” expert Richard Nagy. The New York Times describes steampunk as “a subculture that is the aesthetic expression of a time-traveling fantasy world, inspired by the extravagantly inventive age of dirigibles and steam locomotives, brass diving bells and jar-shaped protosubmarines.” We describe steampunk as Comic-Con’s magniloquent Great-Aunt Gretchen serving high tea with one hand while slaying the Dungeon Master with the other.

This particular piece features a full-wood chassis with a gold foil map, physically engraved and lacquered brass keys, semiprecious gems that act as LED indicator lights and an Asus/Intel processor that might just be able to transport you and your DeLorean back to a time when normal people gave a shit about any of the words in this paragraph.

Stick with the MacBook.

Please Please No


It’s hard living in a post-Snuggie world. Every garment in the modern arsenal is in danger of being replaced by a fleece-stitched curio, emerging seemingly at random from the troubled collective consciousness. What rough beast slouches towards QVC to be born?

This time, it’s called the Neckie, and it solves the intractable problem of loose, dangling scarves, prone to getting stuck in car doors, dangling loosely out of jackets, and (presumably) catching on fire near open flames. The solution? A fully adjustable fuzz bib. Also available in leopard print.

We could say something here about how the loose scarf ends are ideal for plugging up topcoat seams, how a little roaming bulk can come in extremely handy when winter sets in…but somehow, we doubt prospective Necky customers will listen to reason. Just say no, kids.

The face of the enemy»

Much, Much Larger than Life


It’s a rare magazine piece that seems to be working with too much material, but when you’re dealing with the man behind Ed Hardy, we suppose a little excess is to be expected.

This month’s GQ profile drops what might be the definitive profile on Christian Audigier, the man who gave us the trucker hat, Ed Hardy’s neon panther hoodies and the ugliest wine bottles on earth. Our favorite part: the Quarterly’s Devin Friedman (known to Audigier as “Darren”) reveals that the maestro of Fraunch has employed a film crew to follow him around more or less continuously for the past five years of his life. And yes, that includes a makeup guy.

It makes sense, given that Audigier arguably saw reality TV culture coming earlier than just about anyone else. And once you’ve made an industry out of huffing the exhaust of celebrity culture, there’s no point scoffing at a little self tanner…

Also, he may or may not be co-starring in an action-comedy with 50 Cent.