As you may know, the Emmys are this Sunday. And in the interest of getting a jump on the live-bloggers, we’ve developed something called a “pre-cap.” It combines an in-depth study of the nominees and presenters with a reckless disregard for accuracy—resulting in minutely detailed premonitions of what will happen at the ceremony, a mere 48 hours from now. Update your Emmy pools accordingly.

Ladies and gentlemen, the future:

The upset of the night is Louie for Outstanding Comedy. Louis CK accepts the award with a visible ketchup stain on his tuxedo, and delivers his acceptance speech as a wry two-minute monologue about a dead cat he once saw on the sidewalk.

Jon Hamm and Christina Hendricks both look fantastic, but in very different ways.

Displaying remarkable restraint, no one mentions Charlie Sheen.

Friday Night Lights partisans storm the stage during a commercial break, chanting “clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.” The crowd does not get the reference.

Off the air for three-and-a-half years, The Wire continues to not win anything.

Hugh Laurie’s stubble wins for Best Stubble. Laurie, clean-shaven, accepts the award on his stubble’s behalf.

Best Reality Show, inexplicably, is a category.

Peter Dinklage is seen discreetly exiting the afterparty in Sofia Vergara’s limo.

—R.B.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • Russell Brandom