Stallone Willis

If you hadn’t heard, two of the greatest action heroes of our time are beefing.

It all started with a seemingly innocuous tweet by Sylvester Stallone regarding a staffing change on Expendables 3: Bruce Willis is out, Harrison Ford is in. Generally harmless—except that old Sly followed that up with another tweet regarding someone being greedy and lazy (obviously a Willis-directed subtweet). Yesterday it was revealed by an insider that Willis had demanded a pay raise that equated to $1 million for each day of work (four) which miffed the rough-and-tumble crew of aging badasses to the point of collectively agreeing to not negotiate with salary-terrorists and fire him. (Turns out, he was indeed expendable.)

In Hollywood, this is what beef is. And there’s only one way to settle this: cold, hard facts.

So we pored over their storied careers, questionable red-carpet looks and enduring catchphrase legacies to see who the real winner is.

Stallone Willis
First Gig:
Sly: The Party at Kitty and Stud’s. 1970. (Later renamed Italian Stallion to cash in on Stallone’s newfound post-soft-core-porn-desperation-job fame.)
Bruce: Moonlighting. 1985.
Advantage: Bruce.

Stallone Willis
Biggest Movie in the ’80s:
Sly: Rocky IV.
Bruce: Die Hard.
Advantage: Sly.

Stallone Willis
Best Red-Carpet Look in the ’80s:
Advantage: Sly. (This was tough because neither looked great: Sly’s egregiously large bow, Bruce wearing a goddamn cape.)

Stallone Willis
Biggest Movie in the ’90s:
Sly: Demolition Man. (Barely edged out Cliffhanger.)

Stallone Willis
Bruce: The Fifth Element. (Barely edged out The Sixth Sense.)
Advantage: Bruce.

Stallone Willis
Best Red-Carpet Look in the ’90s:
Advantage: Bruce.

Stallone Willis
Biggest Movie in the 2000s:
Sly: Rambo.
Bruce: Live Free or Die Hard.
Advantage: Neither. (Both were reboots of franchises that didn’t need rebooting.)

Stallone Willis
Best Red-Carpet Look in the 2000s:
Advantage: Mickey Rourke.

Most Notable Catchphrase:
Sly: “Adriaaaan!”
Bruce: “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!”
Advantage: Bruce.

Winner: Even though he’s out of three million bucks, it would seem Bruce Willis comes out on top.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • Najib Benouar