Sylvester Stallone Versus Bruce Willis
If you hadn’t heard, two of the greatest action heroes of our time are beefing.
It all started with a seemingly innocuous tweet by Sylvester Stallone regarding a staffing change on Expendables 3: Bruce Willis is out, Harrison Ford is in. Generally harmless—except that old Sly followed that up with another tweet regarding someone being greedy and lazy (obviously a Willis-directed subtweet). Yesterday it was revealed by an insider that Willis had demanded a pay raise that equated to $1 million for each day of work (four) which miffed the rough-and-tumble crew of aging badasses to the point of collectively agreeing to not negotiate with salary-terrorists and fire him. (Turns out, he was indeed expendable.)
In Hollywood, this is what beef is. And there’s only one way to settle this: cold, hard facts.
So we pored over their storied careers, questionable red-carpet looks and enduring catchphrase legacies to see who the real winner is.
Sly: The Party at Kitty and Stud’s. 1970. (Later renamed Italian Stallion to cash in on Stallone’s newfound post-soft-core-porn-desperation-job fame.)
Bruce: Moonlighting. 1985.
Biggest Movie in the ’80s:
Sly: Rocky IV.
Bruce: Die Hard.
Best Red-Carpet Look in the ’80s:
Advantage: Sly. (This was tough because neither looked great: Sly’s egregiously large bow, Bruce wearing a goddamn cape.)
Biggest Movie in the ’90s:
Sly: Demolition Man. (Barely edged out Cliffhanger.)
Bruce: The Fifth Element. (Barely edged out The Sixth Sense.)
Best Red-Carpet Look in the ’90s:
Biggest Movie in the 2000s:
Bruce: Live Free or Die Hard.
Advantage: Neither. (Both were reboots of franchises that didn’t need rebooting.)
Best Red-Carpet Look in the 2000s:
Advantage: Mickey Rourke.
Most Notable Catchphrase:
Bruce: “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!”
Winner: Even though he’s out of three million bucks, it would seem Bruce Willis comes out on top.
— Najib Benouar