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*Photographed by our fearless lensman, Patrick McMullan.*

Dear Spike:

We love the chunky tortoiseshell specs—they bring out the auteur in you. The rat fur epaulettes, not so much. The diamond earring—your call, brother. But seriously, what’s up with the rodent pelt? If PETA sees you in that thing it’ll really be *Mo’ Better Blues*, and you know how they like to hang around outside movie premieres with their little paint cans.

The leather ball cap also smacks a little too much of a semi-inflated pig’s bladder, if you want to know the truth of it. And we don’t get the super-shiny Moncler jacket thing. It looks like pleather, and probably leaves a nasty rash. And those giant patches they stick on ‘em are hideous. Call up Michael Stipe. Maybe he could give you a lesson in layering.

Oh and by the way—what the fuck is that on the inseam of your pants?

Sincerely,

Your friends at Kempt

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CONTRIBUTORS

  • Jared Paul Stern

CREDITS

Photography by our fearless lensman, Patrick McMullan