The Kempt Lab Report: Martial Vivot Grooming Line for Hair
Leonardo DiCaprio. Jake Gyllenhaal. Matt Bomer.
All have two things in common: spectacular hair. And they trust it to New York’s Martial Vivot Salon Pour Hommes for their daily, or cover story, styling needs.
Naturally, we were intrigued when we received news of Mr. Vivot unveiling his own line of grooming products, boasting a “universal formulation [that] means they will never have to change products again. Never.” But we’re not ones to take such grand claims at face value. So we went straight to human testing, in our secret underground bunker lab. Okay, actually, we had a Kempt staffer take the stuff home to try it out, clipboard in tow.
Herewith, the full diagnostic breakdown of his follicular investigation:
1 x Martial Vivot Shampoo
1 x Martial Vivot Conditioner
1 x Martial Vivot Creme
1 x Martial Vivot Gel
1 x Martial Vivot Paste
All regular grooming products were replaced with their Martial Vivot counterparts. The subject was then encouraged to go about his morning routine as he usually would.
Early reports noted a scent reminiscent of pine trees and grandfatherly aftershave, as well as an outstanding shampoo-mohawk structural integrity. There was a noticeable ease of styling not present with the usual over-the-counter pomades. Later accounts noted a general lack of product flaking and a strong hold accompanied by persistent pliability, allowing for an easy transition from workplace formal to after-hours controlled messiness. The subject conveyed optimism about the prospect of that last part.*
*Further observations could not be recorded, as we lost track of the subject; he was last seen sipping a nightcap and chatting with a yet-to-be-identified new acquaintance.
While we cannot scientifically quantify the percentage increase in resemblance to the aforementioned hair icons, we do have the facts: a 40% uptick in on-the-street double-takes, seven inquiries as to whether the subject had recently visited a barber and three minutes shaved off his morning styling routine.
So we’d guesstimate that’s at least 50% more DiCaprio right there.
- — Stephen Praetorius