Along with tattooed eyeballs and stenciled back hair, we’re going to go ahead and ban male ponytails once and for all. Because there’s simply never a good time to ask your date if you can borrow her scrunchie.

Like any good rule, though, there are a few exceptions…

Native Americans: After all you’ve endured, far be it for us to tell you how to style your hair. Ditto for Sikhs, gurus, Jesus Christ and anyone else whose grooming regimen is mandated by God.
 
 

Willie Nelson: Along with Snoop Dogg and a young William Wallace, you’re the only guy we know who can pull off pigtails. That said, we applaud your recent decision to chop off the iconic mane, especially after learning that you felt like you were “pulling a trailer, it had gotten so long” and unwashable due to a golfing injury. Medicate as needed.

Actors portraying fictional hit men: That means you, Travolta in Pulp Fiction, Banderas in Desperado, Kilmer in Heat and any other gun-wielding, pock-faced hired killer whose hair-in-the-face may very well result in the death of innocent bystanders.

Joshua Tree Bono: Hard to argue with any style choices you made when shooting the video for “With or Without You.” Besides, front men of bands who consistently sell out Wembley Stadium can grow, wear and say anything they please. Case in point: Freddie Mercury’s biker ’stache.

Karl Lagerfeld: You dress like a Muppet. Safe to say the ponytail is the least of your worries.

—C.B.S.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • C. Brian Smith