We’ve always believed that every American has the right to let their facial hair flourish. But despite our follicular freedoms as Americans, Disney has used its muscle as an employer to keep the Magic Kingdom an entirely beard-free zone… at least, until now.

As of February 3, Disney employees will be allowed to cultivate a beard, mustache or goatee—provided they keep it well-groomed and under an inch in length.

It sounds like good news, but we don’t quite see it that way. Sure, it’ll be great to see a few ’staches wandering the grounds of Epcot, and it definitely counts as a win for beard respectability worldwide—but as long as the Disney brass continues to play Steinbrenner, we’re going to have a problem with it. There’s nothing sadder than being a man forced to shave his sideburns by a shift supervisor—especially if the supervisor in question is dressed as Mickey.

And if it’s good enough for Merlin…

—R.B.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • Russell Brandom