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Time for another entry in our ongoing series on the taxonomy of beards.

Imagine you’re a creative type unbound by dress codes and only the thinnest pretense of nine-to-five regularity. You’ve met with some early success—people even started throwing the word “genius” around—but it scared the suits, and you’ve spent the rest of your career being suffocated by unimaginative businessmen, the stolid nature of the entertainment industry and the ultimate venality of the world.

Look on the bright side: While your existence may be plagued with self-doubt, your facial hair problems are pretty much solved.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we present the Stifled Genius Beard.

Pioneered by Orson Welles, the latest version of the Stifled Genius Beard (SGB for short) appeared on Joss Whedon as he defended his latest brainchild Dollhouse from imminent and undeserved cancellation. It’s sad news, considering he played no small part in the current television renaissance, but it’s no worse than what happened to Magnificent Ambersons.

Something tells us the minute Dollhouse gets its second season, Whedon will appear on-set perfectly clean-shaven, but in the meantime his furry genius will vent its excess energy chinward.

See also: Al Gore.

—R.B.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • Russell Brandom