Ladies and gentlemen, Chicago is officially the most mustache-friendly place in America.

According to a gleefully fraudulent white paper from The American Mustache Institute, the Windy City took the lead thanks to local mustached celebrities and an abundance of mustache-friendly jobs, “such as law enforcement, construction and relief pitching.”

We’d make a joke here, but it’s hard to top the ones they came up with themselves. Runners-up include Houston (assisted by “nearby rodeo schooling”), Pittsburgh (“a historically mustached city”) and Oklahoma City (for “serving as the off-season home to many employees of the adult entertainment industry”).

A goatee census cannot be far behind.

—R.B.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • Russell Brandom