We’ve never been afraid to ask the tough questions.

It started when the personal stylist of one Willard Mitt Romney swore the candidate has never touched hair product. But Mr. Romney’s impeccable coif suggested otherwise, and from the campaign, there was only an eerie silence… as if there were something they didn’t want us to know.

So on the heels of Romney’s Nevada victory, we conducted a thorough investigation into the apparent styling habits of the Republican front-runner. The results may shock you.

We’re calling it pomade-gate. This one could go all the way to the top.

This is the classic Romney, basically a wetter, less styled version of the Lennie Briscoe look. But while Detective Briscoe wears his pomade with pride, Mitt’s going for a more natural look. That wetness you see toward the side of his head could be the natural result of a healthy head of hair… but already we’ve got our suspicions.

A closer examination reveals distinct strands of hair that self-cohere, but also move independently from the larger coif. Natural oils will rarely get you there. Since the hair is still mobile, we can rule out thicker holding agents like gel, clay or wax. This is most likely the work of forming cream or a similar lightweight pliative.

Look closely at the upper right corner of Mitt’s forehead (our left), and you’ll see a few gray strands defying gravity. Instead of falling down over the forehead, those gray strands are pointing straight out of his scalp, up and to the right. Countless pictures of Romney duplicate this movement: up and to the right, up and to the right, up and to the right. What’s holding up that hair?

And the final proof: if a presidential candidate went without his beloved forming cream on a particularly windy day, you might expect to see something like this.

Now, to tackle the cover-up…

—R.B.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • Russell Brandom