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Truly, today is a great day for humanity.

In easily the most earth-shaking discovery of the 21st century, scientists appear to have stumbled onto a cure for baldness.

Specifically stress-related baldness in lab mice, but, you know, baby steps. And on the off-chance this actually pans out and the current generation of youths never has to face down the sheer-pated scourge, we’d like to weigh in while there’s still time.

We’ll miss it. We swear.

Don’t get us wrong; there are plenty of guys with a real genetic gripe, gracefully fighting the good fight with shampoos and fedoras. But then there are the Picassos of the world, wearing their clean skull with pride and scoring one for the Aging Male everywhere. We can’t help but feel a pang of loss at the prospect of a world without them. We’d prefer this problem be solved with style rather than science—and we don’t mean hats. Whither Ed Harris?

—R.B.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • Russell Brandom