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The media’s fast descending on New Hampshire for the Republican primary next Tuesday, and due to an unflinching sense of patriotic duty, we wanted a piece of the action. So we sent our New England correspondent Dan McCarthy into the frozen wilds to see what all the fuss was about.

Our humble scribbler used his rolodex of shadowy contacts to secure a spot embedding with Kevin Smith, former 19-year-old state representative and current 34-year-old Republican gubernatorial candidate.

Here’s what he saw in a full day with the candidate:

Closed door meetings with consultants: 2
Hands shook during the day: 54
Babies kissed: 0
Adults kissed: 3
Milligrams of caffeine ingested: 350
Donuts consumed: 2
McDonald’s drive-through runs: 2
Minutes in the gym: 45
Santorum-esque sweater-vests donned: 0
Stop-and-chats with current presidential candidate Buddy Roemer: 1
Chance of that candidate winning: 0
Frisbees acquired from fringe candidate Fred Karger: 1
Stories overheard about working out next to then Sen. Barack Obama: 1
Panels attended involving a congressman from Iowa, a Fox News contributor and a raging anti-Obamacare proselytizer: 2
Times God was referenced during the hour-long panel: 9
Median age of those in attendance: 50
Pink velvet cowboy hats worn: 1
Chances woman who wore it is for Rick Perry: 50/50
Number of times Perry’s infamous “oops” moment was mentioned: 2
French journalists looking on during an a cappella rendition of the National Anthem: 2
Number of them singing along: 0
What did we learn: Purell is key while on the trail.

—D.M.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • Dan McCarthy