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Jack-o’-lanterns have been put to the curb. You’re stocking up on various sundries to fill your cornucopia. There’s a chill in the air.

With hats, gloves and cable knits at the ready, some—obviously, not you, dear reader—may even be tempted to don the dreaded mock turtleneck.

Don’t.

Because there are only five times you should wear a mock turtleneck (and yes, running a certain fruit-centric computer company is one of them).

Herewith, the definitive occasions:

Your name is Tilda Swinton or it’s the year 2137 (same difference):1107KMT_Mock_1

You’re a puppeteer in an off-off-Broadway rock opera:1107KMT_Mock_2

With great skillful skill and with great speedy speed, you’ve chopped down a Truffula and knitted a Thneed:1107KMT_Mock_3

You’re on the 1890 Navy football roster:1107KMT_Mock_4

You just Think Different:
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—C.G.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • Caitlin Ganswindt