A reminder: it’s best to think of facial hair as an accessory. Ask too much of it and, like a loud pair of shades or an overused pocket square, it will eventually let you down. To that end, we respectfully offer:

Four things facial hair can’t do…

Facial Hair Can’t Make You Thin
Sepher Cadiz of EveryGuyed.com writes: “What better time to embrace your hair follicles than as a means of concealing a double chin?” Well, no. Just as extra cologne won’t mask body odor, a beard (of any length and/or style) will neither hide multiple chins nor magically create a jawline. What it will do is alert everyone to the fact that you think your tiny goatee makes you look skinnier.

Facial Hair Can’t Fight Depression
We get it: life has a way of delivering unexpected body blows. There is a tendency during particularly rough breakups or professional miscues for men to grow out their facial hair as a form of nesting. There’s nothing wrong with adopting a recovery beard—whatever it takes to get you through the dark days. But like sweatpants and casual sex, overreliance on fleeting creature comforts will only make matters worse.

 
Facial Hair Can’t Give You Facial Hair
Certain gentlemen were not intended to grow beards. Namely, those who are unable to do so. Chances are, if your facial hair is patchy and uneven, you also possess boyish physical attributes. Choose a complementary style accessory—like a newsie cap—rather than barren beardscape.
 
 

Facial Hair Can’t Send a Message
Your beard is not a rally cap. Asking it to keep a winning streak alive, denote a gang affiliation or say literally anything at all is asking too much.

—C.B.S.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • C. Brian Smith