George Carlin

If there’s one day of the year you should really feel obligated to clean up your act, it’s Mother’s Day.*

Which means a clean shave, tucking in your shirt and, by all means, absolutely no foul language. (A card wouldn’t be a bad idea either.) Yes, even if you’re just planning on spending a few heartfelt moments over the phone with your salty seafaring sailor of an old lady.

But chances are, you’re going to be seeing dear old mum, face-to-face, over brunch—possibly with an impressionable child or two within earshot of your every syllable. We understand it can sound like a tall order to keep it clean (especially when you’ve been waiting all spring to tell the family your Dennis Rodman story), but we’ve got you covered with this handy list of euphemisms and campy alternatives to your favorite four-letter words.

Presenting: a truly exhaustive list that should steer you clear of any run-ins with furrowed brows or mouthfuls of soap.

The “F word” and all derivatives: Fudge; Frick; Friggin’; Feck; Shut the front door; What the french toast?; Frack; Clustergoof; Effin’; Flippin; Nuckin’ futs; Mother effer; Mother father; Mother jumper; I don’t give a flying fig.

Shit and all derivatives: Scheisse; Shite; Shucks; Shoot; Holy schnikes; Holy smokes; Holy frijoles; Holy shish kebab; Sufferin’ succotash; Shenanigans; Sugar Honey Iced Tea; Suge Knight; Bullpucky; Poppycock.

Hell and all derivatives: H-E-double-hockey-sticks; Heck; Hades; Sam’s Hill.

Damn and all derivatives: Darn; Dang; Dad-gummit; Gosh-darnit; Dang-nabbit; Gadzooks.

Jesus Christ and all derivatives: Jiminy Christmas; Cheese and rice; Geez Louise; Criminy; Jumpin’ Jehosaphat.

Ass and all derivatives: Bum; Rear end; Tuckus; Bootie; Keister; Bumper; Fanny; Badonkadonk.

Boobs and all derivatives: Mounds; Jugs; The Twin Peaks of Milk Mountain; Gazongas; Hooters; Tig Ol’ Bitties; Tata; Headlights; Bazookas.

Jackass/Dickhead and all derivatives: Jackweed; Dillweed; Dipstick; Dillhole.

The “B word” and all derivatives: Beeyotch; Witch; S.O.B.; Son of a biscuit; A bee with an itch; Sunova gun; Life’s a beach.

Sex and all derivatives: Make whoopee; Do it; Bump uglies; Get laid; Undercover tango; Pokey; Horizontal bop; Hop on the good foot and do the bad thing.

Wanking and all of its derivatives: Five-finger shuffle; Spank the monkey; Work the old slide rule; Shaking hands with John Thomas; A date with Rosie Palmer; Choke the chicken; Beat the bishop.

Cock, balls and all derivatives: Richard; Family jewels; Wang; Cojones; Stones; Brass; Twig and berries; Johnson; Trouser snake; Lap hog; Frank and beans; Peen; Schlong; Suspicious package (not to be used at airports).

Vagina and all derivatives: The golden palace; Bearded clam; The taco; Cookie; Pandora’s box; Poonanny; Downtown; V-jay-jay; Cave of wonders; Hairy Manilow.

*Yes, that’s this Sunday.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • Kempt Staff