The world is a strange and confusing place.

Male nail polish, for instance, is apparently now a thing—and we can say without reservation that it is the greatest threat facing our nation at this time. Somehow, the more we learn about it, the more terrifying it becomes…

The site is called Alpha Nail, but don’t follow the link unless you’re fully prepared for the depravity therein. The case studies are pickup artists, club rats and MMA fighters. (They seem to have an endorsement deal with Nick Gonzalez, who is frightening enough to not take any crap over it.) In short, it’s for bros, serving the same purpose and demographic as the full body tattoo.

In the promotional copy, “Reason Number Two” for painting your nails is listed simply as “Sex. Have more of it.” It is koan-like in its simplicity.

We don’t mean to pick on the pool-party crowd too much, but there’s an important lesson to be learned here (beyond the tattoo jokes, that is). It’s a sign of how far the modern man will go in the name of individuality. At a certain point, he turns to the most outrageous possible thing he can, just to set himself apart. Without a sense of style and tradition, it can get very ugly indeed.

Suddenly, that quadruple monk strap doesn’t seem quite so bad.

—R.B.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • Russell Brandom