No, don’t adjust your monitor. Velvet pants are not coming back. They may be shiny and they may be comfortable, but all you need to do is glance at this gentleman’s chin stubble to see the impression it gives.

This one comes from Clemens en August, in an otherwise tasteful autumn and winter line. Normally we’d let this sort of thing slide, but the forces of skeeve are already dangerously powerful.

No, this is not the future. It is just another bad idea.

When times are tough, people tend to cut back on things that aren’t absolutely essential. For instance, the market for $500 tanning goggles is probably pretty shaky right now.

Sorry, Mr. Ford. This was a bad idea.

We’re on record as cautious observers of Damien Hirst, but after this he might want to stick to embalmed predators.

Labeled as the Damien Hirst x Levi’s x Warhol Factory Collection, these paint-spun jeans are part of a line that should be hitting Barneys in not too many weeks, but to get these pants in particular you’ll have to find your way to one of the silent auctions Hirst is setting up. It’s a clever bit of art/fashion mashing, but as usual, the joke is on you.

They may look good on a wall, but don’t wear them outside.

The world of product placement is not all good ideas. In fact, for every Heineken contract you see on Mad Men, there’s some NASCAR racer with an Whole Foods logo on his hood or a pair of sunglasses with the GE logo pasted over the nose.

Or this.

As we’ve said before, the internet is a strange and frightening place.

We recently stumbled across a site called eMANcipate dedicated to the following simple yet perplexing question: “Why don’t men wear panty hose?”

The answer, of course, is that they’re men, but the folks at eMANcipate aren’t satisfied to leave it at that. The result is a hodge-podge of uncomfortable-looking models and even more uncomfortable-looking calves.

Lest you be tempted off the path, allow us to reiterate: Patterned hosiery is a strictly female endeavor, like childbirth or hosting The View. And that’s a good thing.

The Watchmen movie was never going to be a fan favorite, but our current feelings about it can be expressed through the following tidbit of news, courtesy of our friends at Complex: For the closing credits, emo kids My Chemical Romance have recorded a cover of Bob Dylan’s eleven-minute opus “Desolation Row.”

Please please please no.

This is everything that’s wrong with the Watchmen project and Hollywood in general. Start with a genuinely interesting, prickly subject matter, then churn out an “update” with a stylistic overhaul, a dumbstruck, glib reverence, and almost none of the sinister ambiguity of the original. Isn’t there some way we can use the credit crisis to stop all of this?

Bluetooth earpieces were always a bit creepy, and adding steampunk to the mix doesn’t help anything. It’s clever enough, but the Renaissance Fair vibe is the least of its problems.

We usually want earpieces to be sleek and functional, but after this we may have to add “doesn’t look like it will lay eggs in your brain” to the list.

The art world’s a rough place, but apparently people are increasingly unwilling to call a fraud a fraud. Does this skull look familiar to anyone?

We weren’t thrilled about the crystal skull idea the first time around, but by the second…things are just getting out of hand. The designer, Swarovski’s Quinn Gregory, is just playing his angle, but the rest of the world should know better.

It’s time for some new jewel encrusted objects. And, as it happens, we’ve got a perfectly good coffee cup just laying around. Any takers?

We’re giving our boy Takashi the benefit of the doubt here and assuming this is a knockoff.

Still, imagine the horrifying world we would enter if this sort of thing becomes common practice. So far the world of art and the world of things-you-can-imprint-on-your-jeans have remained blissfully separate. Nobody wants to see a formaldehyde-soaked shark sewn into your Levi’s. Pretty soon, that grungy-looking fellow with the paint-splattered chinos will be asking if you like his Pollocks.

Run, Banksy, run! Save yourself!

Seasons change—at least on the East Coast—and it’s worth it to take a moment for seasonal appropriateness. You can’t wear flannel all year round, and those short have to go back into storage sometime. Suits come in different weights for a reason, and over time, we put together a wardrobe appropriate to our climate, whatever that may be. But even if you live in the land of aerial wolf hunting, there’s still no excuse for wearing this heap of junk.

Somewhere between a snowsuit and a tailored sleeping bag, this loose thread entry provides us with a useful rule of thumb. If you can’t tell if something is clothing or furniture, it might be wise to avoid it entirely.

George Carlin once said that America is good at two things: taking a good idea and running it completely into the ground and taking a bad idea and running it completely into the ground. We’re feeling charitable, so we’ll say this is a case of the former.

We like Takashi Murakami, and Marc Jacobs has been on his game lately, but their Monogramouflage pattern has officially reached the saturation point. This, for instance, is just embarrassing. Designed as a reader giveaway for Numero Tokyo, a Japanese high fashion mag, the mousepad may mark the moment when we got tired of the whole idea of luxury patterns.

That’s right. It’s a mousepad.

It’s no wonder Jacobs is trying to scale back the collaborations. If he isn’t careful, he may end up in the computer business.

We’ve been fans of The Sartorialist for a while, and we’ve never begrudged Mr. Schuman a few side projects, but he may finally have hit a sour note. His latest collab is this microsite with the usually reliable Gant label. The problem isn’t the clothes or the shots, but the people. In ten quick profiles, Mr. Schuman may have inadvertently captured everything that’s irritating about New York City.

Take, for instance, one MacDonald Steffen Huelster (pictured above). He describes his style as “One part Summerset Country Club, two parts Willow River,” which explains the buffalo, at least. But the impossibly preppy name, the WASPy affectation of referring to both of his parents by their full names (Hugh MacDonald Huelster and Christine Steffen Huelster, respectively), and the particularly obnoxious cred grab of referring to his borough as “Brooklyn, King’s County” all mark this gentleman as someone we would like to avoid at all costs. We don’t like to use the h-word; let’s just say it reflects poorly on the brand.

Perhaps an underrated perk of Mr. Schuman’s original blog is that all the participants are silent.

We love innovation—and the fashion business certainly needs more not less—but it’s a risky business. For every good idea, there’s ten different bad ones, and for every genuine trendsetter, there’s another guy who’s wearing glued-together patches of denim.

Also, for every wise blogger championing the new, there’s another gushing about what he knows in his heart is a bad idea.

By now, it’s a truism to say that clothes make a statement. But it’s, well, true.

And in this case, the statement is, “I don’t know how to dress myself.”

It’s not the hardest thing in the world to tie a tie. We suppose it’s fairly difficult compared to, say, combing your hair. If you’re having trouble, there are any number of websites and instructional pamphlets at your disposal. You could even print something out and paste it by your mirror to help you. But for the love of God, don’t start wearing it around your neck. It’s the semi-formal equivalent of a misspelled nametag.

Best of all, the website describes the tie’s 3-inch width as “Euro-chic.” Ah, sophistication…

There’s grassroots activism, and then there’s…this.

These Obamafied Air Force Ones were whipped up by a street artist known only as “Van,” and they’ve been making the rounds all day. They don’t quite rise to the level of Kennedy-chic; in fact, they throw the senator’s whole sartorial promise into question.

As a result, we’re throwing down the gauntlet and calling for Obama to denounce these irresponsibly ugly shoes. The American people deserve better than marker-soaked dunks marred by what one commenter correctly diagnoses as “wack execution.” Custom footwear may well be the largest challenge our next president will face. Unless we nip this in the bud, a McCain loafer can’t be too far off.

The senator’s office could not be reached for comment.

It looks like Maxim is feeling apologetic …

Page Six is reporting that the lad mag’s August issue names Sarah Jessica Parker as an “unexpected crush.” It’s an interesting move, given that they led the backlash against the Sex & the City star when they named here “Unsexiest Woman Alive” back in October.

We haven’t seen the article, so we can’t say exactly how much crow they’re set to swallow, but they’ve earned it all. Setting aside the schoolyard cruelty of the very idea of an unsexiest list, Ms. Parker was singled out for even pettier reasons. While her listmates Amy Winehouse and Britney Spears were in the midst of genuine substance abuse problems, Parker’s main offense seemed to be that she starred in a show where women had sex. With men! And talked about their feelings! It’s no surprise it was more than the Maxim frat-house could handle.

In retrospect, they should have just changed the channel.

It is an established rule that the farther Karl Lagerfeld ventures outside the stabilizing influence of Paris, the more troubled and chaotic he becomes. Driven mad by weight loss, he’s capable of anything, so when we heard he was headed to Dubai—which seems to occupy its own sphere of madness—we got very, very worried.

Apparently Big K has been contracted to build 80 homes on Dubai’s Isla Moda, a fashion-specific outcropping of The World, a man-made island. Each house will likely be decked out in Chanel-ery, fitting with Dubai’s ultra-luxe tendencies, but we can’t help but wonder why Karl got the nod.

Look deep into his eyes. Do you really want to buy a house from this man?

Lagerbear’s statement, after the jump»

With designers grasping for ideas and movie tie-ins multiplying at an alarming rate, it was only a matter of time before something like this happened.

Still, we were hoping it would take longer.

After years of agitation from Neatorama, Nike is finally rolling out an “Air McFly” model of the kind predicted in Back to the Future Part II. To the cinematically uneducated, the sneaker looks like your usual 80s throwback—making it perfectly in tune with today’s style—but those in on the joke will recognize history in the making.

To play along, Nike has refrained from mentioning the shoe’s inspiration in any of the press materials. Perhaps they have a little shame left after all.

The history of the novelty tie is pretty sordid. But even the piano-key necktie has the virtue of actually being a tie. This unfortunate item is really just the idea of a tie. And, as you may have guessed, it’s a very bad idea.

As usual, the mistake here is in the “quick” part. Wrapping a coat hanger around your neck may seem faster and easier than a half-Windsor, but if you’re in that much of a hurry, you might consider going tieless.

Or should we say, wireless.

We hadn’t given much thought to what the future of tennis would look like. But Lacoste has, and apparently it looks like a combination of Star Wars and American Gladiators.

More on what the future holds»

We’ve always enjoyed Kate Moss, even in her current post-marital phase. And the last time she got together with Agent Provocateur, we had nothing but good things to say.

Unfortunately, Moss’s latest collaboration with the lingerie brand seems to have gone off the rails at some point. But as train wrecks go, it’s pretty spectacular»

It looks like guyliner was only the beginning.

Jean-Paul Gaultier unleashed a line of men’s makeup yesterday called Monsieur, including concealer, eyeliner, brow grooming gel, two bronzers and a self-tanner. The ad materials encourage the makeup as a way to unleash your “inner monsieur,” which creeps us out more than anything we’ve heard in a while.

It isn’t the first time this idea has been tried, but until now, the market hasn’t shown much interest in the powdered dandy look.

Let’s hope our luck keeps up.

Despite what Kanye might tell you, the market for high-end streetwear based on sci-fi movie in-jokes is somewhat limited. And for A Bathing Ape, the Pharrell-endorsed Japanese import, time may be running out.

More on the week in synergy»

Looking over all the loose threads we’ve piled up, you might think they just come out of nowhere. But make no mistake, hideously ugly clothes have to be manufactured, sold and promoted just like anything else. And, since most of them are too unsightly to make it past any decent department store buyer, they have to be sold through catalogues like International Male.

Based in New Jersey (naturally), IM was apparently still relevant when it launched in the 1980s, but since then has somehow morphed into a male Victoria’s Secret featuring some of the ugliest clothes ever to grace glossy pages.

Unfortunately for all lovers of Fraunch, the magazine is closing shop to join its subsidiary undergear.com in the rough-and-tumble world of underwear journalism.

More on the demise of International Male»

Mashups of high and low fashion will always have a certain high-concept appeal, but it shouldn’t stop us from distinguishing between a good idea and a bad idea. And high-top wingtips are certainly the latter. Luckily, like pachinko and monster attacks, these unfortunate creations are currently confined to Japan, where they will hopefully remain. (We’re looking at you, Kanye.)

Further explanation of this strange phenomenon»

We’ve been waiting for the second coming of the cummerbund, but we didn’t think it would look like this.

This Japanese belly warmer, called a haramaki, is threatening to go mainstream. Adapted from a piece of samurai armor, the midriff scarf’s popularity is currently limited to bikers, skiers and the pregnant. While that may not seem like fertile crossover territory, it hasn’t stopped the garment from making waves online as the next big thing in layering.

We can easily picture it on a runway, but we offer the following request: Please, please restrain yourselves.

Please.

The world outside prêt-a-porter can be a strange and frightening place. Case in point, this jacket from Aitor Throup. There are fashion statements of all kinds, but when you find yourself stitching rubber skulls to a suit jacket, it may be time to reconsider your aesthetic.

On the plus side, the skulls zip open, so you’ll have somewhere to put your blackberry.

More on Aitor Throup’s memento mori»

We love a good pair of shades, but unfortunately it’s too easy to mess up a good thing. For instance, let’s take an icon, known for its classic simplicity and connection to the past. And then we’ll fold it in half!

They even throw in a hardshell case, which almost makes up for completely missing the point.

Saks Fifth Ave [via Uncrate]

With backdoor health benefits becoming more and more common in products, it was only a matter of time before someone offered to sell happiness in a bottle. And, as you might have expected, it’s both hilarious and terrifying.

The French company Happy Therapy has come out with a line of scents called Smiley that are designed to chemically induce happiness, blending fragrance and what could charitably be called “aromatherapy.” Not only will they give you a joy-inducing scent, but you’ll be breathing in stress-relieving chemicals all day, with calming names like phenylethylamine and theobromine.

The marginally-translated website is even more ominous»

Playing with classics can be risky, so when John Varvatos relaunched Chuck Taylors, we knew there would be some imitators. But we didn’t expect this.

A product of the Virtual Shoe Museum, the “Converse Extension 1” is the first fusion of shoe and pants we’ve seen that didn’t seem like it should be worn with a surgical mask »

It takes a certain kind of mind to create a wearable desk. The obvious problems—like going outside or interacting with others—have to go completely overlooked through every stage of the production process. Then again, it only takes one person to say yes, so while brighter minds are working on new ways to wear houndstooth, hk-ergonomics is taking us one step closer to being cyborgs.

The Hip Office is essentially a back brace with arms »

Members Only, everyone’s favorite 80s scapegoat, is re-launching today under the watchful eye of Kelli Delaney, alumnus of such esteemed publications as Allure, Glamour, and that pinnacle of fashion wisdom, Us Weekly. But more interesting are the places she hasn’t worked. Not only is this Delaney’s first foray into the production side of the business, she had no connection whatsoever with the 80s incarnation of Members Only.

In other words, it’s the clothing equivalent of Tab Energy »

In another chapter in the contentious, controversial dialog over men’s jewelry, the Wall Street Journal reveals that, “sales of men’s bling have taken off, nearly doubling from 2004 to 2006 and reaching $6 billion in the U.S.” No suckers, The Journal intimates that perhaps these figures have as much to do with clever luxury promotion and the recent crests in middle-class ostentation as true style. According to one expert, the trend has moved from hipsters and rappers to, “orthodontists in New Jersey,”—a tipping point or a death knell. Russell Simmons , with a somewhat different perspective, says he’s never seen, “a more untapped market.”

More on the questionable trend »

The January issue of Esquire does its readers a grave disservice in the innocent guise of giving advice about getting one’s ladyfriends liquored up. In its typical smarmy, overly-verbose style, the magazine’s “Man At His Best” section offers a primer on cognac, capped with the following: “The January Dilemma No. 1: Your Date, Though Curious, Doesn’t Want to Sip Cognac Neat.” It goes on to suggest feeding the unsuspecting female an emetic concoction consisting of cognac and cr‚àö¬Æme de menthe. They don’t give it a name, but we think “The Ipecac” suits it perfectly. The mag also inexplicably counsels readers to use perfectly good Rémy Martin Louis XIII for the mixture, which at $1,500+ per bottle is a little pricey to be dumping a bunch of mouthwash into.

The Kempt solution »

The line between men’s and women’s dress shoes has traditionally been more of a moat. You cross it at your own peril. Of course, Manolo Blahnik has been feeling bulletproof lately, so he’s trying a jump or two.

What strange beast slouches towards Kensington to be born? Apparently it’s an open-toed oxford.

For the second daring feat…well, mandals are involved.

Maybe we should just be grateful he had the decency to stick with flats.

Luxist [via Vogue UK]

Functional clothing is a gamble. On one hand, wool hats are both stylish and effective. We all need socks, so they never go out of style.

But as Stephen Fry will tell you, form and function are very closely linked, and when you shoot for just one, you usually end up missing both.

That’s when something like this happens. »

Bag Men: Seems the yabbos over in England are wrapping themselves up in the the latest in visual intimidation—the Goggle Jacket. Apparently an evolution on some very idiosyncratic athletic gear, the British press—charming monster that it is—has cast the face-hiding anorak as a impending public threat (despite no evidence of its criminal use.)

In the same vein, the the London Times has added another level of terror for a English public already weary of Islamic signifiers by labeling the whole plastic mess the “Burqa for boys.” “The trouble in society,” says one quoted expert, “is not just crime but the fear of crime, and this new jacket is enough to give anyone a shiver down their spine.” Indeed, camo prints have always sent us running for the hills and we never really got over our childhood fear of C.O.B.R.A.

“Pants! They’re back! People are wearing pants! It sounds dimly like a fashion-news parody…”

Considering that this little moment of self-effacement comes from the same paper of record and author that recently declared neckties to be back “in,” it’s hard to take David Colman’s piece “Mr. Jeans Meets Mr. Pants” as parodic. Really, what’s the next hot item from the New York Times—collared shirts? Socks?

I guess we can’t blame Fall for being fashionably late, but thanks to its careless sense of punctuality, we’ve had to endure two superfluous months of the men’s plunging v-neck tee—fashion’s recent, misguided ode to the dude sternum.

For the over-hip, under-dressed, strategically-disheveled American Apparel shareholder who thinks this looks good, we’re tired of seeing you walk around SoHo with that extra-large Famous Ray’s pizza slice cut out from your neckline. You’re better than that. Let’s move on to the cashmere crewnecks and corduroy sport coats of the world. And let’s hope come next September, we don’t have to have this discussion again.

-M.S.