What Your Jack-o’-Lantern Says About You
Of all the fine American holiday traditions—the Thanksgiving turkey carving, the Memorial Day barbecue, the Fourth of July stars-and-stripes bikini—none lets you broadcast your true holiday mettle to the entire neighborhood like the jack-o’-lantern.
So it seems a good time to ask: what exactly is your pumpkin-carving acumen saying about you?
The Classic If it was good enough for the Lantern clan,* it’s good enough for you. [*Actual existence of a Lantern clan not confirmed at press time.]
The Joke-o’-Lantern Never one to miss an opportunity, you have created the perfect icebreaker for your Halloween party. Just clean it up before the younger trick-or-treaters start coming through, or you’ll have some explaining to do.
The Plastic Jack You have no soul. You have taken one of the most lighthearted and creative holiday traditions and boiled it down to a mixture of fossil fuels and organic polymers. For shame.
The Haunt-o’-Lantern You genuinely enjoy your job, and take it very seriously. This is not child’s play—people will be legitimately terrified by the musings of your carving knife, which you most certainly own.
The Niche Filler You are the most loyal of people. You know what you love, and you wear it on your sleeve. Which will lead to your patience being tested as you explain your carving choices, but come on, you’re not not gonna carve your favorite Jason Schwartzman character.
The Anticipator You love fall. You spike your pumpkin spice lattes with pumpkin beers. You’ve never seen a pile of leaves you didn’t want to pull a double gainer into. You named your dog “Fall.” Nothing wrong with any of that. But maybe next year wait until at least October to carve that bad boy up.
The Master Craftsman You recognize how vital a man’s lantern is to projecting status on All Hallows’ Eve. You also recognize your possible shortcomings, and found the finest pumpkin artisan that money can buy. You can swear all you want to the contrary, but we both know you lack the patience and steady hand to craft such a masterpiece.
The Great Pumpkin You are Linus van Pelt. Maybe cool it with the blanket already.
- Ricky McCrumb