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The Kempt Guide to the September Issues

Esquire September Issue

As you may have noticed from the stack of glossy pages threatening to break your coffee table, it’s time for the September issues—the print-world primer for everything that happens in style for the next six months.

So we took it upon ourselves to methodically flip through GQ, Esquire and Details (which add up to roughly the page count of Crime and Punishment) and provide scientific analysis. Brace yourselves… GQ (276 pages): Just can't get used to Tobey Maguire modeling for Prada. We keep assuming it’s just a model who looks like Spiderman. Speaking of Spiderman, this Donald Glover editorial shoot is like wandering through a Rugby store on mushrooms. The Dockers collabs are the biggest news, but man is it hard to improve on the standard issue. Miller’s Oath got sophisticated with the side tab, Bastian got military with a cargo pocket and, of course, Warriors of Radness decided to make them look like sweatpants. You can’t say they’re not consistent. The tweed-suited James Marsden editorial is truth. If we had the power to make one trend happen, it would be this one. Everyone would wake up tomorrow morning with closets full of tweed. It would be glorious. DETAILS (208 pages): The quintessential Details article, to be catalogued for posterity: Is Your Workout Making You Fat? It’s three full pages. Dave Zinczenko has a lot to answer for.

For the record, you should not actually wear a leopard print Topman button-up. For all the metro-fashion jokes (including that one from us, just now), Details really knows what to do with a leather jacket. Forget bombers: leather jackets should be streamlined and snug. Apparently Mugler is collaborating with X-Tube for a porn cross-promotion. Soon, even sex will be pretentious and unwearable. Esquire (196 pages): Cucinelli shows up in the opening stretch with a nice corded suit. Shine on. Glad to see Esky getting to the bottom of why so many dudes are named Ryan.

The style section doubles down on loafers. There’s a reason you see so many of these in eBay roundups. People buy them and then never wear them. Esquire’s the only one to get in on the double-breasted trend or really rep Italian menswear in this round of issues.

It’s really unnerving to see a full page of safety information about Viagra. Especially two pages away from a full-page ad featuring the Black Eyed Peas. “Let’s have Ryan Gosling nuzzle a naked woman in full-body corpse makeup.” “Boom. Do it.” —R.B.