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The June Issues

  • Kempt Staff

GQ James Franco

Memorial Day might have marked the unofficial start of summer, but since the real deal doesn’t start till later this month, there’s still plenty of time to get prepared.

And these newly minted June issues won’t let you forget it for a second.

Likewise, in our grand tradition of surveying the broader field of menswear journalism, we’ve thumbed through this month’s crop of printed swimwear, whites, lightweight fabrics and otherwise uncategorized eye candy, just for you. You know, in anticipation.

Without further ado, we’d like to present to you our findings...

GQ: The Comedy Issue, 180 pages.

Cover: James Franco, looking glib.

Pages of advertisements until Table of Contents: 25.

Letter from the Editor: Jim Nelson recounts a funny tale of his aunt, her parrot and a pair of dentures, and it makes us all believe again.

GQ endorses ditching the suede bucks for a canvas pair this summer. You know, to minimize your budget allotment for Gold Bond.

Blue tuxes, shawl collars and rental for the modern age—the style section tells us how to take on wedding season in style, and we definitely don’t mind it.

Yes, GQ, Club Monaco really is awesome now. We couldn’t agree more.

This Instagram etiquette piece leaves us auditing our feeds, though probably for the best. We wouldn’t want to come off as douchey with one “#menswear” too many.

And now some summer bubbly? Don’t mind if we do.

We do appreciate this next piece on golf trips... er, “trips with the possibility for golf.” If only we had the miles, though.

On wedding toasts: “By far the best tactic is sucking up to the bride and her clan by insisting how lucky your friend is to have found such a perfect bride.” Good start, but we’ve got a lot more to say on the matter.

Then, seven comics explain why we should watch Bill Cosby: Himself and try to forget the man’s recent buffoonery. And just maybe we’ll give it a shot.

Drew Magary takes a trip aboard Kid Rock’s “Chillin’ the Most” cruise for the sake of journalism. We’d like to applaud him, because, well, we wouldn’t have.

This list of the funniest things the Web ever did. Yup.

Now, something about being “fauxmous,” which includes hiring fake paparazzi and fans. Skepticism ensues.

“You know, as handsome as James Franco is, you want to look at someone else eventually. So we thought it could be funny to throw in a random person that we’re not that comfortable with, and Emma Watson just seemed to fit the bill.” —Seth Rogen on how the Harry Potter star made it into This Is the End

Please put your shirt on, Ricky Gervais.

Now, Will Arnett shows off lightweight linen suiting whilst saving hells, casually firefighting and administering not-at-all-vaguely erotic CPR. The Bluths have it good, it seems.

We’re not even going to touch this “Six Degrees of Taylor Swift’s Ladyhood” infographic.

Maya Rudolph and Danny McBride give us probably the funniest, and possibly only, faux fashion editorial in men’s magazine history, via awkward family photos. Expect matching outfits and ridiculous posing.

And to close it out, the Tiger Woods “parting shot” sadly could have been way funnier. Can’t win ’em all.

Esquire: How to Be a Man Issue 2013, 178 pages.

Cover: Brad Pitt, with cameraman surreptitiously visible in the lenses of his aviators.

Pages of advertisements until Table of Contents: 6.

Letter from the Editor: David Granger advocates for a little more support of men and fathers. Amen, brother.

We definitely like this new “Esquire Indulges” section. There’s never anything wrong with getting a little personal.

Right off the bat, Esquire takes on a little comedy itself with this Melissa McCarthy interview. Seriously, this chick is funny-as-shit.

Thanks, guys, for this next selection of summer reading choices. Though after last night’s Game of Thrones, we were hoping for some that were just a little bit lighter.

This month’s “Funny Joke from a Beautiful Woman” is by R&B artist Cassie. Who is beautiful. But we truly can’t decide how we feel about the partially buzzed hair thing.

Most LOL-worthy question in the health “Lightning Round”: “I think I have a flatulence problem. Please help.”

Also, it turns out “whiskey dick” is no more likely with the namesake drink than with any other form of liquor. Explains a lot, huh?

Damn, that Dark and Stormy Pineapple in the “Alternative Grilling” article looks delicious.

The style section endorses blue blazers, darker seersucker and the pajama shirt in public. Though Gosling taught us that last one long ago.

“Sex is basically an exchange of pleasantries now. Marriage is instantly reversible. But fatherhood is real.” Truer words haven’t been said in a long while.

We were shocked when we couldn’t find any bars from New York on the “Best Bars in America” list. That is, until we discovered the entire section devoted to them.

Us creative types appreciate the piece on the best cars for less than 30 grand. Really. Thanks, Esquire.

Tom Chiarella asks 504 people what it means to be a man. Some answers are downright absurd. But others might make you shed a tear. Which, for the record, men can do. With moderation.

And the bit on “Why Men Still Can’t Have It All” takes no prisoners with its truth-bombs. Its brutal, brutal truth-bombs.

Brad Pitt might look kind of like Jesus these days, but no one can deny that the man is 100% badass. And this interview only solidifies that.

“How to Be a Man When Things Go Wrong” is full of pretty good advice for when things get out of hand. Though you should probably leave delivering babies to the pros if at all possible.

Olivia Munn is just so hot. And fun. Damn.

Speaking of heat, with the weather being what it’s been lately, this summer suit survival guide couldn’t be more timely.

And to close it out, here are 15 fictional accounts entitled “How to Be a Man,” from the page-long to the sentence-long. We didn’t have time to read them all. But you should.

Details: 130 pages or so, depending on what you’re including.

Cover: Henry Cavill, as strong-jawed as anyone who plays Superman should be.

Pages of advertisements until the Table of Contents: 3.

Letter from the Editor: Nonexistent. Frankly, we’re disappointed.

“Know & Tell” takes on gourmet ice cream, handsome outdoor furniture, waterproof electronics, a good summer riesling, seaside inns and the Jaguar F-Type. All of which we wouldn’t mind being in the presence of in the near future.

Details now notes the unfortunate corporate acquisition of tattoos in the recent past. From “Chaos to Couture,” though, right?

The first beauty we’ve seen grace the pages of Details in a while, Rose Byrne is certainly a choice we can get behind.

And another magazine endorses Emma Watson in This Is the End. Who knew Hermione really had it in her?

Woody Harrelson puts it all splendidly: “You know, it feels like the whole conversation is devolving.”

Hey guys, why stop at patterned swim trunks? How about you try on some of the season’s great patterned shorts?

Though we’ll more firmly endorse this carry-all roundup. Those are some handsome choices. As are the non-cruise-ship linen clothing options on the next page.

Oh, here are the patterned shorts we were talking about. We’ll admit it, maybe we jumped the gun on that one.

Apparently, there’s a new craze called “tapping” that’s helping men overcome office anxiety by mantras and, well, tapping. More skepticism ensues.

“Mixologist Paul Photenhauer’s new book, Semenology: The Semen Bartender’s Handbook, includes recipes for cocktails like Galliano Cum Shot and Slightly Saltier Caviar, along with advice on harvesting and storing of semen.”

Now our newest spandexed superhero, Henry Cavill of the summer’s upcoming Man of Steel, waits for his day in the sun. Good luck, buddy.

Details is giving us mixed signals—do they want us healthy, or do they want us to indulge in these mouthwatering breakfast concoctions in the next section. We’re confused. And hungry.

Just in time for next month’s Wimbledon, here’s an editorial on all the best of this season’s “whites.”

Following, a slightly-tanner-than-Bieber, floppy-haired up-and-coming teen idol. Because apparently we need another.

“Take Your Sweet Time” pairs watches with candy now, and the volume is promptly turned up on our stomach-rumbling. Oh, and the candy looks great, too.

Why are the words upside down now!?

Oh, it’s the “Details Special Grooming Guide” starting on the back cover. Inside: more than you’ll ever need to know about keeping things “high and tight.”

That could come in handy.