The Immodest Gentleman’s Guide to Streaking
Streakers. They’re brash, vulgar and unabashedly vain, but admit it: you just can’t help but admire their... courage.
As gentlemen of decorum, we would never officially condone such a clothesless act, but perhaps there’ll come a time when, despite your better judgment, you decide that you want to join their ranks. And while it might seem like the sort of thing to do on a total whim, you’d be ill-advised to just drop your skivvies, give the crowd a wave and hope for the best. Take it from a learned pro: a decent amount of planning must be done in advance in order to ensure true bare-assed success. And even though we’re not encouraging such behavior, we just could never forgive ourselves if you got yourself caught with your pants down.
So without any further ado, let us present to you: the Immodest Gentleman’s Guide to Streaking.
Preemptively acquaint yourself with the venue. First things first, there are some questions you need to be asking. Such as: What is the most susceptible point of entry? Where will guards be posted? Is the event televised, and if so, where will the cameras be? What’s your exit strategy? What’s your backup exit strategy? Do you have a backup to your backup? Odds are, things will not go according to plan, so one can never have too many contingencies. Or bail bondsmen.
Plan your route accordingly. To be frank, it’s in everyone’s best interest to minimize the actual time you spend out and about in your birthday suit. Besides the certain, ahem, unflattering effects of stage fright and a cool night’s breeze, a prolonged journey in the nude gives prying eyes more time to pick out distinguishing features—such as tattoos, scars or strange patterns of body hair—to identify you with later.
Utilize the element of surprise. Think of yourself as a magician, with your clothes playing the part of the hat and your body as the rabbit waiting to be revealed; in order to maximize shock and awe, you’re going to have to wait until just the right moment. Try to position yourself as close to your start gate as possible, and don’t strip down a bit until you’re in full viewing range. Oh, and snap-on pants can expedite that process. (Thanks for the tip, Channing.)
Run like hell. Obviously. But you might also want to consider Top Gun–grade evasive maneuvers.
Maintain anonymity at all costs. This goes for both during and after the intended au naturel dash, paying special attention to your face. (Yes, it’s still considered streaking if you’re wearing a mask.) Also, keep a nondescript outfit stashed somewhere off-the-grid for afterward, so you can both redress and take a second to let the adrenaline flow out of your system. You’ll need to be able to maintain an air of nonchalance if you’re going to get out with your dignity, and without a record.
Don’t linger for the aftermath. It doesn’t matter how much you paid for those 50-yard-line seats, or what favors you had to pull to get into the inaugural ball; you sacrificed the luxury of leisurely attendance the second you decided to show the world your lesser-known tan lines. Hightail it out of security’s jurisdiction stat, not looking too suspicious, before they get a chance to recognize you for the raving exhibitionist you’ve become.
Deny, deny, deny. To the police. To your mother. To your friends who urged you on. To the girl you’ve inexplicably impressed by doing it.