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The April Issues

  • Kempt Staff

Jason Bateman GQ

Now that it’s spring, everything is abloom—even your local newsstands, thanks to the newest crop of magazines swathed in brightly colored menswear.

In other words: the April issues have arrived.

And in our grand tradition of taking the pulse of printed menswear journalism, we’ve thumbed through all of the highly glossy/flammable pages of the usual suspects to give you the rundown on the upcoming trends, recent cultural phenomena and the requisite amount of eye candy.

Without further ado, the April Issues.

GQ (248 pages):

Jason Bateman is on the cover, walking. And trying to explain something to the photographer, apparently.

In the letter from the editor, Jim Moore gets excited about this whole Google glasses thing. We remain unconvinced.

GQ endorses: navy seersucker, ultrafine wool, featherweight linen and dark summer suiting. Now these are things we could get behind.

The fitness article tries to help men not be “skinny-fat,” which we can’t help but think there is a better term for.

Tyson Chandler continues to wear lots of black, drop-crotch pants, thin-lapelled suits and tailored tees... We continue to be unsure of how to feel about the onetime Kempt Man of the Hour and onetime Anti-MOTH's personal style.

It’s less fun to read about car tech than it is to look at glossy photos of the McLaren P1. In conclusion: car tech is pretty sweet.

An interview of Mike Trout, 21-year-old star of the Anaheim Angels, at his house in Jersey was getting interesting, until we were abruptly interrupted by a two-page advertisement splitting through the piece. Rude.

“The 21 Books from the 21st Century Every Man Should Read” surprisingly does not include Michael Hainey’s memoir. Not that we’ve read it, but we expected the product placement.

“The Gentleman’s Guide to a One-Night Stand” includes such gems as “enjoy the pre-sex part, too” and “throwing back five shots before trying to put a small, stretchy thing over a big, tubey thing greatly increases the odds that it winds up hanging on to the tip for dear life. Like a small hat on an English bulldog.”

Avicii is a DJ who got pretty famous by playing the same beat over and over again. Going in that same direction: the superlatives in this article.

Best quote without context: “Listen, we all like to put Mum’s clothes on sometimes.” —Mark Ronson

“Extreme kidnapping” is apparently a thing that the children of the wealthy do to themselves to make their lives more interesting.

This story on a string of shark attacks off the coast of Africa makes us never want to surf the coast of Africa again... or start to anytime soon.

And now we’ve arrived at the cover story on “The GQ 100,” which contains the likes of Jimmy Fallon in summer suits, Bruno Mars in the “any-occasion tux,” Jason Bateman in stylish sport jackets and the Best New Menswear Designers in America.

Vampire Weekend once again graces the pages of GQ in their expectedly preppy fashion, though we’ll admit the red denim jacket caught our eye.

The issue ends with an article on artist Kehinde Wiley, with a picture of him in a red floral three-piece, painting while riding a horse.

Pretty Lady Count: 1 (Elisabeth Moss, page 108, lacy underwear)

Esquire (156 pages):

Stare at this cover of a scowling, leathery Robert Redford long enough and it starts to feel like he’s peering into your soul with that icy-blue stare.

Pages of advertisements before the table of contents: 16

In the letter from the editor, David Granger corrects some errors from the story on bin Laden’s shooter and talks about a meeting of “the shooter” with government officials. Conclusion: while interesting, the story wasn’t anything the government didn’t already know.

You should probably check out during the summer months. Encouraging women abound. Also, they have some nice things to say.

Patton Oswalt speaks of stand-up, great acting and not being mad at Louis C.K.’s fame.

Old, fat Harrison Ford is lauded for being just that in the upcoming Jackie Robinson biopic, 42.

The “Funny Joke from a Beautiful Woman,” as told by Eliza Coupe, is indeed funny. This is probably because Coupe is actually a comedian. And a hot one at that.

There’s a piece on artisanal whiskey made by big-name distilleries, followed by a page on how to make ceviche at home, which seems risky but we’ll probably try it. (Drinking the whiskey.)

Now an endorsement of very strong colognes, none of which are solid, which is comforting.

A handy tear-out watch guide. Included is this handy flowchart to whether or not you should use a pocket watch. Helpful.

According to this next dozen or so pages, denim is “in” right now. Duly noted.

And now a political discourse by Jeffrey Sachs that uses the term “GDP” 36 times in three pages of text. That’s not an exaggeration. We counted.

Robert Redford seems to want us to focus on everything but the fact that at “seventy-six years old, sun-baked and wind-whipped and ungorgeous at last, he’s a handsome sumbitch.”

Game of Thrones’ Lena Headey tears up the next few pages in lacy lingerie and her own beautifully tattoo-adorned skin. Cersei Lannister can also pull off purple hair surprisingly well. Who knew?

We’re back to the menswear game with Ben Harper showing off some pre-weathered and distressed clothes. That white linen jacket on page 132 is just wonderful.

“A BLT, with chips, milk, applesauce. And a blonde.” —Hugh Hefner, former copywriter at Esquire, on his dinner selection as of late

Pretty Lady Count: 2 (Eliza Coupe, page 48, weird strappy swimwear; Lena Headey, page 125, leather and lace)

Details (142 pages):

Here we have Matthew McConaughey and a promise of “everything you ever wanted to know about sex.”

The “Know & Tell” section starts with a ringing endorsement of sherry, moves to travel-ready gadgetry, then knives, American sports cars and finally Italian design, which seems to include a lot of light wood and modernity. It’s all well and good, but nothing to really stop and linger over.

Sadly, the “Hottest New Clubs in the World” piece didn’t include one caged tiger dancing or a bar where all the drinks are on fire. Disappointing.

The “Yes List” includes the same documentary mentioned in this New York Magazine article that exposes the theories behind the meaning of Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining.

The most revealing moment in the Q&A with Danny Boyle is that he’s dating Rosario Dawson, which is just unfair. But, kudos.

While endorsing the well-cut blazer, they’ve included a few tips on how to pull it off with “spezzato.” Which isn’t the same as “sprezzatura” (the former is the art of mismatching a jacket and trousers). Just an FYI.

These “Nine Tastemakers You Need to Follow on Instagram” seem like they’d pair just perfectly with our “Seven Sexiest Instagram Feeds Right Now,” don’t you think?

We’re told black is “in” this spring. Cue the “new black” jokes.

After some grooming tips (it seems it’s about time to shave off that beard), it’s time for all those things we wanted to know about sex. Highlights include “The Etiquette of Ejaculation,” “Downward-Facing Doggy Style” and “Vasectomies Are the New Condoms.” That last one just literally made us shudder.

The “McConaissance” interview has us genuinely excited for his new film, Dallas Buyers Club, about a homophobic man who contracts AIDS in the early years of the epidemic. He’s also wearing some killer Club Monaco blue-dotted pants in the editorial.

Now for some bright, springy suits, “Color in Motion” shows how your suit can match your sports car. The teal Hermès and slate Dries Van Noten are particularly handsome.

Best quote of the month: “You do not want a hairy Bieber.” —The guy who plotted to kill, and castrate, Justin Bieber explains his tattoo of the teen idol that he keeps close-shaven

Pretty Lady Count: 0.0