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The 1984 iPhone

That iPhone 5 sure is a powerful, sexy machine.

But so is the entirety of Sony’s 1984 audio/visual collection, like the Beta Hi-Fi video cassette player which, as advertised, “blows you away” with its better-than-movie-theater sound. You’ll be “engulfed in the power and action of movies like Raiders of the Lost Ark... the pulsating rhythms of Flashdance... the dramatic intensity of An Officer and a Gentleman... the spectacular rock video of David Bowie.”

There you are, sitting in a tin can, far above the world...

Which is exactly where you’ll need to be to get any kind of reception on your Sony Watchman FD-20A portable TV player with optional team logo. (Full disclosure: this thing will never work once, but on the plus side, you’ll have a one-inch photo of your favorite football team’s helmet mounted on a five-pound metallic brick.)

Can you get all of the iPhone 5’s functionality by simply lugging around a giant duffel bag filled with the entirety of Sony’s 1984 audio/visual collection? Not even close. Ten percent, tops. But that’s where your tweed blazer/powder blue cable-knit sweater combo starts to go to work for you, especially at Dorrian’s.

You’ll look foolish, sure, but not as foolish as the hundreds of people currently camped out in front of every Apple Store in America.

Blue Horseshoe loves Anacott Steel...