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Test-Driving Donald Trump’s Cologne

In just a scant few weeks, “Success by Donald Trump” will be loosed upon the world at large, and Macy’s in particular.

We know, it’s not our usual beat, but as intrepid journalists, we felt honor-bound to investigate. So we picked up a bottle proceeded to put it through our usual exhaustive battery of tests—basically, asking a few of our most pitiless female acquaintances to describe the scent. It wasn’t pretty, but it was real.

Here’s what they had to say:

Smells like ketchup. Maybe I’m just smelling someone’s breakfast.

It smells like when your mom took you to the cheap mall.

A mix of lemon pledge and AXE.

This is what Ron Burgundy’s farts smell like.

I expected a little more musk from Trump. This is basically your standard issue citrus-y cologne.

This is how magazines smelled in 1997.

A particularly harsh strain of Barbicide.

Smells like the coming of age at a Lakers-themed Bar Mitzvah. “I AM NOW A MAN!”

After the shock of embarrassment and mild embarrassment, I have to admit this smells exactly like my dad.

If that sounds like your scent, you’ll be able to find it at Macy’s next month.