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Keep Your Damn Penis Insurance

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Some press releases come to your desk that are so absurd, you can only shake your head. But every once in a while, a company crosses the line into shaking-your-fist territory.

An underwear brand is offering $50,000 worth of “Penis Insurance” if you buy three of their pairs.

But hey, let’s take a look at the terms, shall we:

The holder’s penis must be detached from the body in order for a payout to take place. Oh, so even if your penis is battered, bludgeoned, bent or bruised beyond recognition, the insurance is worthless. It needs to be fully separated from your body. Repeat: fully separated.

A close relative, friend or lover cannot have removed it. So... a complete stranger. Because that is something that happens every day.

More like: something that will (hopefully) never happen to anyone, ever, so said company will never have to make any kind of payout.

It’s a joke. We get it. Genital mutilation: always good for a laugh.

We’re not going to give these people the satisfaction of putting their company’s name in print. We’re just going to pretend this whole thing never happened.