Sleep No More

Click Here for Part One: The Gentlemen of 2011

Part Two: The Moments of 2011
What’s in a 2011 moment? Certainly a few things we never thought we’d see: Charlie Sheen’s crack-induced webcam vlog, a Facebook-inspired revolution in Egypt, a Seal Team Six smackdown on Osama Bin Laden, the discovery of another earthly planet…

And just like that, the moments passed.

Walk Off Home Run

Best Sporting Event
Game 6 of the World Series
The Cardinals were down to their last strike twice and yet prevailed on a walk-off shot to center by David Freese in the 11th inning to force a game seven of the World Series, which they eventually won. Best baseball game we’d ever seen, particularly given that we didn’t particularly care who won.

Most Incriminating Interview
Jerry Sandusky Interviewed by Bob Costas
Easily one of the worst stories of 2011, the Jerry Sandusky child abuse scandal got a whole lot weirder when Sandusky himself agreed to a live interview with Bob Costas shortly after being indicted. When asked if he was attracted to young boys, Sandusky paused, paused again, repeated the question, and then said, “I enjoy young people.” Oh, Jerry.

Best Gathering of Support
Keep Aaron Cutting
After Aaron Biber’s barbershop was looted and destroyed by rioters in London, three young people launched a Facebook fundraising campaign entitled “Keep Aaron Cutting” and raised nearly $50k to keep the 89-year-old (adorable) barber in business.

Mark Cuban Peeing

Worst Sporting Event
Mark Cuban Peeing With NBA Trophy
Sure, we were happy to see Miami’s over-paid, over-ego’d, over-hyped dream team fall to the Mavericks, but we didn’t need to see the team’s owner taking a leak while clutching the NBA trophy.

Gosling Drive

Best Film
Drive
Ryan Gosling, one of our five Men of The Hour Of The Year gives his best performance as a professional stunt driver caught up with gangsters in what will likely win the Academy Award for Best Film (if this one doesn’t.)

George Harrison

Best Documentary
George Harrison: Living in the Material World
Scorsese brilliantly splits the documentary into two sections: The Beatles era and Harrison’s post-Beatlemania renaissance-man era.

Best Daily Show Segment
Death of Osama Bin Laden
’Abbottabad’ sounds like the name most New Yorkers would have invented for the fictional place where they would have loved to kill Bin Laden. ‘Hey, I’ll tell you what I would do. You drop me into Abbottabad or wuhdeva the fuck they call their cities over there and I’ll go over there and shoot him in his bada-bada-bingo’s. Eh oh!’”

Best ‘Wanna Get Away’ Moment
Rick Perry Can’t Name the Third Government Agency He’d Get Rid Of if Elected President
Oops.

Worst Customer Service Moment
Fedex Delivery Man Hurls TV Over Gate
Yeah, we’ll go with ‘oops’ again.

Sleep No More

Best Theatrical Experience
Sleep No More
In short, you just have to see it. Punchdrunk, the British experiential theater company, took over three abandoned warehouses 27th Street to create The McKittrick Hotel where, nearly every night this year, they’ve reenacted a Macbeths-inspired murderous orgy of sorts. Oh, and the fictional lounge at the McKittrick has become New York’s coolest new bar, for real.

New Earth

Coolest Discovery
Astronomers Announce Discovery of Potentially Inhabitable Planet
A planet 600 light-years from Earth in a 289-day orbit around a smaller, cooler version of our sun has been discovered. It’s roughly 2.4 times the size of Earth (halfway in size between Earth and Uranus) and rests in a temperate sweet spot that may very well be the right temperature to support life on its surface.

Cosby Show

The Day The Sitcom Moment Died
Cliff Using Monopoly Money To School Theo
The “sitcom moment”— Sam proposing to Diane on the boat, “Master of Your Domain,” Lucy at the chocolate factory—has died. To eulogize, Kempt asked a dozen of the most respected writers and actors working in the genre to share their favorite moment in sitcom history, which we offered in six segments.

Names 9/11

Most Redundant Event
10th Anniversary of 9/11
As E.J. Dionne Jr. eloquently wrote in the New York Times following the 10th anniversary memorial of 9/11, “we need to leave the day behind. As a nation we have looked back for too long.”

Charlie Sheen

Lamest Guinness World Record
Charlie Sheen Gets 1 Million Twitter viewers in 23.5 hours
It’s a month of news we’d just assume get back. He quit, he sulked, he partied, he showed off his prostitutes, he booked a national tour which floundered, and was replaced by Ashton Kutcher on Two-and-a-Half Men, the season premiere of which enjoyed the highest ratings of the shows history. You lost, sir.

Best Saturday Night Live Sketch
Jack Sparrow (feat. Michael Bolton)
The man we all love to poke fun of turns the poker upon himself and helps to deliver the most exceptional SNL sketch in recent memory, now with nearly 70M Youtube views. (Honorable mention to Jimmy Fallon’s “Beethoven Introduces The Band” in the SNL Christmas episode, also the best we can remember.)

Best Performance of A Girl From Ipanema by a former Heavyweight Champion
Mike Tyson
Dressed to the nines in a white rental tuxedo, the former heavyweight champion of the world, appeared on a Brazilian television show called Caldeirão do Huck and (kind of) sang “The Girl from Ipanema.” Mr. Tyson was accompanied on piano (and mercifully on vocals) by the original composer’s grandson, Daniel Jobim, who should be ashamed of himself. As for the video itself, there’s a whole lot going on here and yet absolutely nothing at all. Thankfully, as he’s prone to do, Iron Mike finishes strong (and offers a random bonus word at 1:21).

Best US Military News
TIE: Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Repealed and Iraq War Ends
While it may be a slightly more awkward holiday season for gay soldiers, we salute them for both coming out and coming home.

Best Facial Hair Competition
Second Annual Beard Team USA National Beard and Moustache Championships
As is the case with most beard and moustache championships, tensions ran high right from the get-go, with many contestants opting out of Friday night’s Meet-the-Amish Dinner and the Whiskerinas Ladies Fake Beard and Moustache Competition. On hand to judge the competition was a quartet of facial hair experts, including Miss Pennsylvania, Juliann Sheldon; German National Freestyle Champion Willi Chevalier; Pittsburg Steelers starting center, Justin Hartwig; and Phil Thiel, hooker for America’s National Rugby Team.

CONTRIBUTORS

  • Randy Goldberg
  • Russell Brandom

    Paul Underwood

    C. Brian Smith